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Serpents Twist
Contributed by
Black13
on
Saturday, 22nd May 2004 @ 01:01:26 PM in AEST
Topic:
eroticpoetry
|
I feel all the dirty things you say.
While you're pushed against the wall.
I still want the knife against my throat
when I'm thrust deep inside of you.
I can taste you when your teeth pierce me.
And I climax when your nails tear my flesh.
Your screams and moans entice my senses.
I drink your warmth when I cut you deeply.
The way you take me in you ignites the air
as you're praying erotically to me.
I need to hold you down and feel you fully.
As animalistic yearning quickly wraps your mind.
Your screams come silent as you bite deeply.
I bleed freely for your rapture.
We twist and scratch to dominate the other.
And your dark hair is pulled taut by my hand.
Your body let's loose a shudder
as you're shoved against the wall.
You moan deeply and my teeth pierce your throat.
Shoving back against me trying to gain control.
I'm knocked to the floor tasting my own blood.
The knife is at my throat as you get ontop of me.
You smile sadistically as you place
a hand around my throat......
Copyright ©
Black13
... [
2004-05-22 13:01:26]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Re: Serpents Twist
(User Rating: 1 )
by on
Sunday, 18th July 2004 @ 09:14:34 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
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First, it's "inside you" not "inside of you." That's a common grammatical answer. Second, if you're going to make erotic interesting, try not to repeat words. "Deep" works once, so try to find another word for deeply. Now if you were using it as a repetition "deeper, deeper, deeper," that might be permissible. On top is two words.
The first three stanzas have excellent images, but the next one loses something. The next to last one is kinda more of the same. I know the tussle has to occur, but maybe it could happen more quickly. I like the surprise of the last stanza and also the cliffhanger ending. There's so little surprise in this kind of stuff anymore. It's all been there, done that. Seriously, this isn't bad.
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