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Ice Packed
Contributed by
boobiepeach
on
Thursday, 23rd June 2005 @ 11:05:50 AM in AEST
Topic:
Grief
|
Coldness drifts around the bend
With disregard it lingers near
Emotionless it sits and stares
Dull to its attendance, try to attempt
Fog of selfishness had crept
Raining dispassion on your head of ache
Try to ignore, its pleasant stand is fake
Sets drafty pelage and times it well
Absence of love can almost smell
A problem for heart who treys to defend
Its exactness of second thoughts declared
Laughter like spirit is scared
Disfigured the freezing arms do shiver
Sharp and bitter, hate does whisper
Unresponsive to screams of no
Felt the sun turn to snow
The rawness grows a smile
Stop to feel the fever a while
Don’t torture distance with in-between
Heart grows fainter with every gulp
Be stern with chill that freezes hope
Let the wintertime be cold
Why ice bites, will never be told
Stiff and ill the frost may say
Stand with hands that shake dismay
Give in to kind cold loneliness
Melt a frozen heart, you will always miss
Ice does weather
Copyright ©
boobiepeach
... [
2005-06-23 11:05:50]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Ice Packed
(User Rating: 1 )
by hauntedscorp on
Thursday, 23rd June 2005 @ 11:40:47 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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Nice job Peach!! I didn't really see much rhyming, but that's not essential to a good poem anyway...I really like the wording in this, and how you expressed your emotions...
"Sharp and bitter; hate does whisper
unresponsive to screams of no
Felt the sun turn to snow
the rawness grows a smile
Stop to feel the fever awhile...." Well done!!!
Scorp. |
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Re: Ice Packed
(User Rating: 1 )
by Puppy_dog_eyes on
Thursday, 23rd June 2005 @ 11:42:03 AM AEST
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a Message)
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Great imagery in this one.....you could say you "packed" a lot into it !!.
Showed a strong command of the language
Well done
Steve |
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Re: Ice Packed
(User Rating: 1 )
by Willofree on
Monday, 27th June 2005 @ 10:24:30 AM AEST
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a Message)
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While there is some rhyming in this poem, that's not what makes it a strong write. Rather it is the power and potency of the words you use and how you phrase things. There is some strong emotion that you project. Also, intermittent natural rhyme can be even more effective then a forced rhymic style rhyme, depending on other factors in the poem.
So well done,
Will |
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