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Show Dont Tell
Contributed by
jyssvw22
on
Saturday, 4th June 2005 @ 05:50:44 PM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
Determined and rejuvenated
I access the tunnel to this haven
In a clustered pre-war room
I sit and I stagger about in silence
No one to talk to, no one to hear me scream
The vision that keeps reoccurring
Has turned out to be exactly what is seems
What is envisioned, is this uncontrollable unease...
A stunningly bright future
Conceivably the finest of my days
Possible the breakthrough I’ve been waiting for,
The penetration of the rays
Certainty this shall be the moment
Let me now sit and pray
Let me cool off my body
For the heat has eaten me away
I turn to the charitable qualities in you
It is a fool who never repays
For the catching of the drifts never ends
While the planter planting
The weeping willow bends
Horrified and shocked
My tear is not worth its drop
My stomach is in its customary knot
The control room turns intolerably hot
The summer storm
Knows not,
What its brought forth tonight
The travesty is in the finale
When the poisoned apple takes its bite
-------------------------
--------------
Copyright ©
jyssvw22
... [
2005-06-04 17:50:44]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Show Dont Tell
(User Rating: 1 )
by hauntedscorp on
Saturday, 4th June 2005 @ 06:56:19 PM AEST
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a Message)
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This seems like a very heartfelt write, and I'm sorry to hear you're going through such struggles...I hope you have someone close to you that you can talk to. Nice finish....
Scorp. |
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Re: Show Dont Tell
(User Rating: 1 )
by Man_On_High on
Saturday, 4th June 2005 @ 08:32:59 PM AEST
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a Message)
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the struggle is very evident..
but more importantly..the way you wrote it..
the composition is immaculate-
the flow..genuine
I like this write ALOT..
was tappin' my foot as I read along..
very well written
(would make great song lyrics I think)
B
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