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i will hold you and love you everyday
Contributed by
sek-c-shaun
on
Thursday, 2nd June 2005 @ 04:21:36 AM in AEST
Topic:
LovePoetry
|
with the scent of a forest, and a touch like the rain
a beautiful smile that will yet remain
deep and dormant inside my mind
for ever and ever, for you to find
a warming laugh, that brings temptation
a soft kiss, that creates sensation
your sparkling eyes, your breathtaking charms
the astounding feeling, of you in my arms
is making me want you, more than ever
so give me a chance, and i swear i will never
push you or hurt you in anyway
i will hold you and love you everyday
for the rest of my life, as long as i live
my love and my passion is what i give
Copyright ©
sek-c-shaun
... [
2005-06-02 04:21:36]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: i will hold you and love you everyday
(User Rating: 1 )
by blowfish_jane on
Thursday, 2nd June 2005 @ 08:19:16 AM AEST
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a Message)
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A sweet beautiful poem. Thanks for sharing.
Jane xx |
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Re: i will hold you and love you everyday
(User Rating: 1 )
by KayeRains on
Thursday, 2nd June 2005 @ 05:03:28 PM AEST
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a Message)
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You wanted comments, so here you are... It needs some work. You really could spruce this up into something good for it does have potential. The beat is off. Read it aloud to yourself to see what I mean. In places, it is awkward. Never force your rhymes. They should sound natural and ought to flow with the piece.
(e.g - 'a touch like the rain
a beautiful smile that will yet remain)
I'm sure it makes sense to you, but it doesn't to your readers. It leaves a bad taste for the poem in their mouth, when what you want is for them to take from your poem the feeling you've put into it.
Good luck and keep it up.
Ka'Lei |
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