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I'd be Happy
Contributed by
Mild_Tempest
on
Sunday, 29th May 2005 @ 04:43:59 PM in AEST
Topic:
LovePoetry
|
Without you I知 freezing cold,
Without you I cannot live.
With you I値l grow happy and old,
With you I壇 be happy to forgive.
I cannot give you the stars,
I cannot give you luxury.
Together the world is ours,
Together we won稚 be in misery.
I値l be the one you need most,
I値l be the one you can always find.
I値l be the one that痴 like a ghost,
I値l be the one that痴 in your mind.
If you値l let me take your hand,
If you値l let me comfort you.
I値l take you to your dreamland,
I値l take you and write a haiku.
Without you I知 freezing cold,
Without you I cannot live.
You池e my highly valued gold,
You池e my wish I won稚 outlive.
Copyright ﾂｩ
Mild_Tempest
... [
2005-05-29 16:43:59]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: I'd be Happy
(User Rating: 1 )
by Doriens_Picture on
Sunday, 29th May 2005 @ 05:49:43 PM AEST
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awe
If you値l let me take your hand,
If you値l let me comfort you.
I値l take you to your dreamland,
I値l take you and write a haiku
I LIkes alot
and this is where i get harsh
if you will be like a ghost how is she supposed to hold you hand |
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Re: I'd be Happy
(User Rating: 1 )
by poet70 on
Sunday, 29th May 2005 @ 08:06:07 PM AEST
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I liked the poem, and here is my harshness also, the ghost thing just DID NOT WORK for me either, I think it would of maybe worked better if you would have put in there,
Together you and I will go to the coast.
Or
I'll be the one to take you to the coast.
or added ocean in there
it rymes with the word most.
But you know what, I still liked it, it was just the ghost thing that did not fit in the poem. Keep writing ok, cos you do have a talant for writing, and anyone who asks for tough comments, is really wanting to fine tune that talant and I really have to give you allot of credit for that, and because of that I am giving you a 4* vote on the poem, the ghost knocked it down from a 5*, sorry.
Tammi |
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