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Dieing of a Broken Heart
Contributed by
ForeverAlone
on
Wednesday, 11th May 2005 @ 06:39:46 PM in AEST
Topic:
DarkPoetry
|
Trapt in the dark
His life numb and blind
Dieing of a broken heart
With every wasted "I love you"
In the back of his mind
Locked to the memories
The ones he trys to avoid
A voice of sour melodies
With all the time spent together
Just null and void
Sucumbed by the lies
The ones that ment everything
Now he takes his own life
With a bullet to begin death
. . .
He left a note
Said "I love you"
. . .
Even knowing her ears were deaf
Copyright ©
ForeverAlone
... [
2005-05-11 18:39:46]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Dieing of a Broken Heart
(User Rating: 1 )
by Zeldianus on
Wednesday, 11th May 2005 @ 08:29:46 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| very well done. ending seemed a bit rushed but i still like it alot |
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Re: Dieing of a Broken Heart
(User Rating: 1 )
by fielding88 on
Wednesday, 11th May 2005 @ 08:41:16 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| Overall good stuff here Clark, minus the various typos. I love the twist you put at the end, which just made perfect sense and closed things up quite nicely. I love that part about leaving a note for some reason. For the first half, I could so easily relate to it, but then you took it in a different direction and the ending was really pleasing. Well done. |
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Re: Dieing of a Broken Heart
(User Rating: 1 )
by mina-1 on
Wednesday, 11th May 2005 @ 09:47:45 PM AEST
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Clark this is a very well written poem , but I feel the ending was a tad rushed. Overall a great write.
*hugs*
~sue~ |
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Re: Dieing of a Broken Heart
(User Rating: 1 )
by FearMyRawr on
Wednesday, 11th May 2005 @ 09:58:13 PM AEST
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| The last line brought tears to my eyes, absolutely beautiful write, keep it up :) |
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Re: Dieing of a Broken Heart
(User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on
Wednesday, 11th May 2005 @ 10:06:04 PM AEST
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| this didnt really seem like your others in the fact that it wasnt as well constructed as ive become to expect of your poems. oh yes i see why, some of your lines didnt rhyme...::glares:: you know how i like my rhymes. i agree with marc though. very good ending and good overall. |
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Re: Dieing of a Broken Heart
(User Rating: 1 )
by somedaylove on
Friday, 20th May 2005 @ 01:40:15 AM AEST
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a Message)
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| wow nice write....... I was there once in a not so good marrige so i felt those words....... keep it up |
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