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Vile Submission
Contributed by
spazz911
on
Tuesday, 3rd May 2005 @ 08:56:23 PM in AEST
Topic:
self-harmpoetry
|
here again, in vile submission
feeling the metal, the rusty knife
cold feeling, pain in my chest
my head is ringing, never will rest
not that is matters, what morgurary i go
but now that I'm lost, in a whirlpool of flow
who could imagine, seeing in dust?
a blaze of more colors, sand color of rust
darkness of tombs, left empty too long
time to fill the bleak darkness, empty like a rap song
timing is essential, you must plan it out
spontaneous death is not the way out
a certain crude date, a plot at the scene
desperately counting the minuetes at sea
lost in a ship, flat pile of *_***
hearing the agony, some say that they scream
so I swim from the fishes, guided by moonlit beams
reflecting the light, a patient way out
as long as the moment, the cycle is right
now that time shatters, struck by the hammer of life
time to mover on, get a new feel with the knife
moving on is relative, a problem or two
it really doesn't matter as long as you do
Copyright ©
spazz911
... [
2005-05-03 20:56:23]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Vile Submission
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Wednesday, 4th May 2005 @ 02:45:07 AM AEST
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a Message)
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“Vile submission” –a state I can some what relate to.
I think it is a well -expressed description of your disposition and emotional circumstance, in regards to your theme.
I like that you have avoided wording which has been over-used, thus forming depth and significance, within your work, as well as originality and creativity.
It is although, saddening, theme-wise.
Symptoms are displayed to portray deeper feelings, with added subtlety and obscurity.
“who could imagine, seeing in dust?
I particularly fancied this line.
“Seeing in dust” –an interesting metaphor.
“darkness of tombs, left empty too long
time to fill the bleak darkness,”
This section…is highly emotive. It really is saddening.
And it now becomes evident that your theme is much more than what you have categorised it beneath.
“so I swim from the fishes, guided by moonlit beams
reflecting the light, a patient way out”
There is always light.
The darkness could not exist without it!
I’m glad you found it.
An excellent piece.
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Re: Vile Submission
(User Rating: 1 )
by Jaycee on
Monday, 9th May 2005 @ 10:55:30 PM AEST
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Well, this is a good write and if there aren't more comments, it's probably because Romanticist did too good a job leaving the rest of us wondering what to say. But a poem like this deserves more than 1 comment. These 2 lines did stick out in my mind:
timing is essential, you must plan it out
spontaneous death is not the way out
Because I could relate to them and that they seemed to be the turning point (or catalyst there of) in the poem. I also like the last 2 lines. They just flow so perfectly. I don't mean well or excellent. Perfectly.
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