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A Rose
Contributed by
Anne-ish
on
Saturday, 30th April 2005 @ 09:39:43 PM in AEST
Topic:
SecretLove
|
this is a rose
a soft red rose
pull the petals back
lay my heart exposed before you
blowing fumes
biting stems and sticks
so bitter
and yet so wonderfully sweet
this is a love
this is a sadness
this is today
that will swim away like a tadpole
and turn into
a big ugly toad.
Copyright ©
Anne-ish
... [
2005-04-30 21:39:43]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: A Rose
(User Rating: 1 )
by ladyfawn on
Saturday, 30th April 2005 @ 11:38:36 PM AEST
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a Message)
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creatively sweet... hugs n' love nessa
@->>->:-
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Re: A Rose
(User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on
Monday, 2nd May 2005 @ 09:01:22 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| having two words so close together and even used at the end of two lines in a verse is a poetry no no in many cases, even if not for rhyme. listing is not effective, and neither is repetition. you also need to work on having a bit more smooth flow in events and wording. your ending was unexpected and even interesting, but i dont think going from a rose to an ugly toad was the way to end it. it just seems like you were writing the ideas that came to your head with no point in them, and no thought as to how to make them poetic. |
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