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On my last day
Contributed by
blueeyedevil13
on
Monday, 25th April 2005 @ 07:41:32 AM in AEST
Topic:
Lifepoems
|
On my last day
I値l dance naked in the streets
Then wash my black feet
And keep my insanity to stay
On my last day
On my last day
I値l laugh manically
And jump around with glee
With no reason, to say
On my last day
On my last day
With little gnomes
I値l play croquet
On my head I値l wear
A hat made of pink foam
From an armchair
On my last day
On my last night
I値l stay up until dawn
And watch the end of my life
Spread with the light
And soon I値l be gone
On my last night
On my last night
By myself I値l lie
The last thing I shall do
Is die
On my last night
On my first day
In heaven, in hell
Which one, no one can tell
I値l wake up
Next to you
On my first day
Copyright ﾂｩ
blueeyedevil13
... [
2005-04-25 07:41:32]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: On my last day
(User Rating: 1 )
by pUnKa_RaCh on
Monday, 25th April 2005 @ 10:00:58 AM AEST
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a Message)
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great word imagery used...a sad poem but lovely all the same i reeli loved the ending
well done
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Re: On my last day
(User Rating: 1 )
by grim6669 on
Sunday, 25th September 2005 @ 02:42:52 PM AEST
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| i really like it......i like how you changed day to night......it's really creative and i like the way you'd use your imagination to have fun before you die, you deserve eleventy two thumbs up. keep it up!!! |
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Re: On my last day
(User Rating: 1 )
by Archie on
Sunday, 25th September 2005 @ 03:17:31 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| Actually you won't know what you will do on your last day. But it is good how you progressed things |
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Re: On my last day
(User Rating: 1 )
by DannerSwa on
Monday, 26th September 2005 @ 02:19:16 AM AEST
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a Message)
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Please take no offense. I have some feedback for you if you're open to it.
Firstly, first stanza, second line, would it be okay to say street instead of streets? I think it would flow better.
Secondly, third stanza, second line, could you say "with a little gnome"? I think it would rhyme better with foam. Thirdly, would it work better if you switched line 4 and 5 around? I think the rhyming scheme fits snugly. What do you think?
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Re: On my last day
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Friday, 12th May 2006 @ 10:09:48 AM AEST
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lovely...wonderful. i like it...it's upbeat...except for the whole main point, but it's almost comical...lovely
- Bethani - |
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