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I'm for sale...
Contributed by
Brandyx7
on
Sunday, 24th April 2005 @ 11:01:12 AM in AEST
Topic:
DarkPoetry
|
A Broken Life For Lease
Availability Very Soon
Only Fourteen Years Old
Empty With Much Room
Past Tenant Very Quiet
A Hermit To The World
Would Best Suit Smoker
Preferably A Teenage Girl
The Broken Heart Was Fixed
Still Remains A Small Leak
A Perfect Fixer Upper
Its Very Big But Bleak
Isolated From The Real World
In A Place Reasonably Remote
Takes Many Dreams To Get There
You Cant Reach It By Car or Boat
Comes With Its Own Broken Wishes
A Huge Pool Of Crimson Tears
Contains Many Cuts And Bruises
Obtained Over Many Years
Massive Brick Built Wall
To Keep You Safe From Love
A One Way Easy Stairway
To A Happy Place Above
Applicants Suited Should Be Alone
With No-one That Actually Cares
Perfectly Suited To A Loner
Who Has Things They Cant Share
Renovated Many A Times
Yet Still Broken Beyond Repair
Contains Walls Built So Very Strong
Suits A Person Who Wasn't Treated Fair
All Welcome To Apply
To This Life Without Hope Or Love
Just Place All Your Applications
In The Mailbox To Up Above....
Copyright ©
Brandyx7
... [
2005-04-24 11:01:12]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: I'm for sale...
(User Rating: 1 )
by pixie on
Sunday, 24th April 2005 @ 11:02:27 AM AEST
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a Message)
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good write, but I think the capitals on every world spoil it
pix xx |
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Re: I'm for sale...
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Sunday, 24th April 2005 @ 11:30:29 AM AEST
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a Message)
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| Actually the punctuation really does not matter, but I like to use capital words in angry poems, it is just something that I do. Anyway I do not think you need to improve anything, your poem is nice and switched off into stanzas, and you have excellent rhyming technique, but remember poems do not need to rhyme all the time, just remember that the poem needs to go together with the words you are using, remember it might sound good to you, but it also might sound wierd to another person, and plus your poem got the rating of SLipSiX. and that is a very good poem, most poems do not get it, but a few of them that are writin actually do, only poems I think are the best get this rating, anyway good write, awesome poem, excellent words, keep on writing, From Phil. SLipSiX. |
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Re: I'm for sale...
(User Rating: 1 )
by B-Randy on
Sunday, 24th April 2005 @ 01:32:44 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| Excellent poem!! Probably one of the more creative ones I've read today. Their is nothing wrong with your skills, but I do agree that all the capitalize letters make it a little harder for me to read. It's not that big of a deal though. :) |
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