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(tomorrow is the day that never
Contributed by
electrique_poet
on
Saturday, 16th April 2005 @ 07:37:28 PM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
(tomorrow is the day that never
arrives; i always wait as
im tired of reminiscence; the pool of the
chlorine past washes over in dazzling shades of
transperency
remember yesterday? (that everyday memory)
tomorrow (wa(i)s still a moon away and;
the mind is a myriad of moments;
experience, the spider spinning the web as
the dominoes collapse in elaborate electrical patterns,
though,
i as a statue am motionless) so
get a life (as i hear
or something that tastes nice,
i am hungry; i am cannot never will; i am tawdry failure)
but
that was yesterday, again
wrapped around today, somewhere
(lost)
Copyright ©
electrique_poet
... [
2005-04-16 19:37:28]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: (tomorrow is the day that never
(User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on
Saturday, 16th April 2005 @ 09:12:28 PM AEST
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| your formatting leaves one puzzled as to why you formatted it this way. you had a good concept, but there was too much going on in this piece to make it clearly seen throughout the entire piece and made the theme be clouded over by other thoughts. |
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Re: (tomorrow is the day that never
(User Rating: 1 )
by zenmind on
Saturday, 30th April 2005 @ 11:18:23 PM AEST
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GREAT GREAT GREAT!!!
This is wonderfully brilliant and only you could use this "perplexing" style (which I don't find perplexing) with such originality and depth. Again your punctuation is much appreciated.
remember yesterday? (that everyday memory)
tomorrow (wa(i)s still a moon away and;
I love how you put (wa(i)s because it adds so much depth. You somehow use "was" and "is" to mean the same thing, which can be hard to understand but I think makes a lot of sense.
The first stanza is amazing
(tomorrow is the day that never
arrives; i always wait as
im tired of reminiscence; the pool of the
chlorine past washes over in dazzling shades of
transperency
I totally identify with the senstiment here, plus the image of "past chlorine washing over dazzling shades of transperency" completely resonates with me. Those are the types of lines that I write and identify with the most, for some reason.
I have to get off now, but I will return to comment more, considering that this is one of my favorite poems that I have read in a long time period (.) |
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Re: (tomorrow is the day that never
(User Rating: 1 )
by zenmind on
Monday, 2nd May 2005 @ 05:14:58 PM AEST
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ok, I'm back and I just want to go over the rest of the poem.
i as a statue am motionless) so
get a life (as i hear
or something that tastes nice,
i am hungry; i am cannot never will; i am tawdry failure)
I know I keep talking about your puctuation, but seriously, when you combine the originality of it with your vivid descriptions, it adds another level to the experience of the poem, which is the depth that I am talking about. When you added the "(as I hear", it was like you were addressing the reader with some of your own post thoughts regarding your previous thought, "get a life". (Sorry, I think that's a very complicated way of saying it, but sometimes it's hard for me to say exactly what I mean.) I also like the "I am cannot never will; i am tawdry failure) but" part because first of all I also identify with these feelings of failure or inadequacy. I think that's a very "human" feeling, in that we all experience these feelings at some point in our lives, because the only way to be "sure" or "confident" of yourself is to deal with and overcome these feelings of insecurity, and if anyone acts like they have never experienced these feelings, I think they are putting on a show of being cocky or arrogant to cover up that they really feel this. So I'm not sure if that's what you intended but that's what I got out of it, because that's how i relate to it in my life. Second I liked this part because of the way you placed the word "but" under the last line which transitions very well into the the last stanza. It added a "pause" in the way that it was read that was like a silent recognition of something......that I can't really explain....
but
that was yesterday, again
wrapped around today, somewhere
(lost)
And this ending was one of my favorite parts of the poem. The image of yesterday wrapped around today is intriguing to me. I like poems that twist "time" around (there is no time) so that yesterday and today are the same time, or that the future is only the memories of the past, and it makes it seem like past, present, future all co exist at the same time (which I think it does).....anyway.....and the (lost) part perfectly sums up the feeling of the poem in a very tangible way ( I thought).....thanks.....
Be True,
zenmind |
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Re: (tomorrow is the day that never
(User Rating: 1 )
by ladyfawn on
Tuesday, 31st May 2005 @ 02:47:05 PM AEST
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deeply beautiful, truely a pleasure to read:) hugs n' love nessa
@->>->:- |
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