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Silent Tears
Contributed by
thepizzaguy
on
Saturday, 2nd April 2005 @ 11:24:40 PM in AEST
Topic:
LostLove
|
One day I closed my eyes
And I thought back to that field
The field where you said you loved me
Where you held me when we kissed
Where we had so many wonderful nights,
when the sky was always blue,
and the sun was always shining.
And then I came back to reality.
And the only sound I heard was a splash of water.
...The sound of a tear hitting my desk...
...My first silent tear...
Copyright ©
thepizzaguy
... [
2005-04-02 23:24:40]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Silent Tears
(User Rating: 1 )
by Jackee_line on
Sunday, 3rd April 2005 @ 08:52:07 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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| wow...excellent write. i found this quite captivating. |
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Re: Silent Tears
(User Rating: 1 )
by Evshrug on
Friday, 15th July 2005 @ 06:54:42 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
Well, I like the idea behind it, and you are obviously feeling the emotion. However, you should look up the meaning to the word prosaic (unless you already know), and next look up the word onomatopoeia. Your third to last sentence would be more powerful and intuitive if you just said something like "And the only sound was a splash", because of course it's water, and sound can only be heard. Also, did you mean to say "...wonderful nights,/ when the sky was blue,/ and the sun was always shining."?
I like the premise, and I know this poem was a bit older than your current ones, but still. You have good ideas, but I wouldn't want to read them all day. Keep growing as a writer, keep sending stuff in!
*pats the pizza man on the back* |
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