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slumber; please
Contributed by
electrique_poet
on
Wednesday, 30th March 2005 @ 02:04:05 AM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
slumber; please
encumber my fears;
number the stars
unsequentially
in high frequency)
reverie; mine
slavery to what could be;
bravery in plastic pipe dreams
undeniably
libertine incredulity)
opinion; subdue
pinion in avarice;
contrarian of life
unknowingly
the last charlatan)
slumber; please
encumber my fears;
somber in chilling caress
unwillingly
slaying me)
Copyright ©
electrique_poet
... [
2005-03-30 02:04:05]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: slumber; please
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Monday, 4th April 2005 @ 10:59:43 PM AEST
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“Number the stars
unsequentially
in high frequency”
–Metaphoric or perhaps the symbolisation of the invisible forces which control your life, so governing, you cannot grasp its intangible grip.
“reverie; mine
slavery to what could be;
bravery in plastic pipe dreams
undeniably
libertine incredulity”
-My favoured stanza.
Mainly due to the use of contrast between ‘reverie’ and ‘bravery’ to ‘slavery’ and ‘plastic pipe dreams’.
Seems to me there is much inner conflict…
A dark desire?
Opinion; subdue
pinion in avarice; contrarian of life
unknowingly
the last charlatan”
-Effective use of personification (second line), in representing a specific element in regards to the perversion in nature, to the perhaps inevitable mechanical charlatan.
I am thankful for your public offering of this wealthy-opus!
As well as your display of facility with words.
You began and ended with corresponding accord, further more enhancing emotive and communicative expression.
A genuinely psychological piece… thought provoking and a symbolical muse.
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Re: slumber; please
(User Rating: 1 )
by Silent-No-More on
Monday, 4th April 2005 @ 11:14:00 PM AEST
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Oh, I like this! This is exactly the sort of piece that makes me wish we had a universal YPDC cafe where poets sat about discussing their writes and even, perhaps, giving up the inspiration and the secrets embedded within them. I would love to know more about this piece (even though as I type that I'm somewhat relunctant to let go the chance to see it as I do now).
Nice work here. Only one picky comment (I do hope you don't mind it).... I could be wrong here of course, but I don't think "unsequentially" is a word. Might "randomly" be a strong enough word in its stead?
Keep writing!
SNM |
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