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Awaiting the sun
Contributed by
jeza
on
Tuesday, 29th March 2005 @ 10:42:05 PM in AEST
Topic:
MiscPoems
|
As the moonlight dwindles,
on the fast forgotten lawn,
a little girl is waiting,
waiting for the dawn.
As she awaits the sun,
to rise high above the glade,
she is crying to herself,
just as she is bade.
As the sun comes upward,
far from the forgotten lawn,
a little boy is waiting,
waiting for the dawn.
As he awaits the sun,
far from the center of trade,
he is extremly lonely,
just doing as he's bade.
Both of them are lonely,
they are both in need of aid,
so they both break all the rules,
and start their own trade.
They meet up on the road,
and act as the best of friends,
and now they are so happy.
A means to an ends.
Copyright ©
jeza
... [
2005-03-29 22:42:05]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Awaiting the sun
(User Rating: 1 )
by Mazi on
Tuesday, 29th March 2005 @ 10:47:34 PM AEST
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| Awesome poem! I really like your style. I hope to see more : ) |
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Re: Awaiting the sun
(User Rating: 1 )
by emystar on
Wednesday, 30th March 2005 @ 12:40:39 AM AEST
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A very good writer u r and welcome to our global family here. You've come to the right place.
luv, huggs,
emy |
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Re: Awaiting the sun
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Friday, 1st April 2005 @ 01:09:57 AM AEST
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Aww hey there jessica.
This piece is really sweet, n very touching..
The rhyme worked pretty well, and your portrayed your thoughts through here greatly.
Nice work, and welcome to YPDC :D
~kt |
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Re: Awaiting the sun
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Saturday, 9th April 2005 @ 12:13:47 AM AEST
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You are a true artist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
XOJill |
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Re: Awaiting the sun
(User Rating: 1 )
by NightOwl on
Sunday, 10th April 2005 @ 11:21:45 AM AEST
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Awesome!!! You really have talent, this is incredible!
*~Erin~* |
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Re: Awaiting the sun
(User Rating: 1 )
by Jenni_K on
Sunday, 22nd May 2005 @ 07:30:00 PM AEST
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Better late than never!!
Welcome to YPDC..The most addictive poetry site on the net.....
This is really awesome...I loved it so much. Please continue posting your beautiful work here...
Thank you.
Jenni |
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Re: Awaiting the sun
(User Rating: 1 )
by NoSaint on
Monday, 23rd May 2005 @ 07:14:45 AM AEST
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Welcome , I thought this was very moving, good work
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Re: Awaiting the sun
(User Rating: 1 )
by LOWMAN613 on
Monday, 23rd May 2005 @ 09:52:38 AM AEST
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| Wow glad you joined youll enjoy it here! Great work & Welcome! Christina |
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Re: Awaiting the sun
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Saturday, 28th May 2005 @ 03:56:27 PM AEST
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Well now...first of all, Welcome to YPDC!!
Secondly, this piece IS good!
It has nice flow and rhyme, but especially I like the sentiment and emotion that pors from this.
Well done!! |
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Re: Awaiting the sun
(User Rating: 1 )
by girltranscended on
Saturday, 28th May 2005 @ 09:45:52 PM AEST
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I have to agree, this IS good. I especially LOVED:
"a little girl is waiting,
waiting for the dawn."
I so liked how you tell the tale of two, and how parts of the stanzas repeat as you do. My only suggestion (and only cause u asked)might be to rework the 2nd and 4th lines of this stanza:
"Both of them are lonely,
they are both in need of aid,
so they both break all the rules,
and start their own trade."
I get what you are trying to say, but here it seems forced, odd even, and from the other lines you have put forth I now for sure you could say it better. But please don't get me wrong, I really liked your poem and I hope you write more and more and yes, get addicted like the rest of us!
:)
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Re: Awaiting the sun
(User Rating: 1 )
by becca_b on
Saturday, 6th August 2005 @ 07:04:04 AM AEST
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its REALLY REALLY REALLY good jess
I really like it
I can totally see the emotions and feelings in it |
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Re: Awaiting the sun
(User Rating: 1 )
by Eternal_Dreamer on
Monday, 17th October 2005 @ 10:37:54 PM AEST
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a Message)
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A warm welcome to YPDC. This is absolutely outstanding. A brilliant write filled with emotion. An excellent 1st submission Jes.
Keep penning.
*hugs*
Sue |
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