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Wandering Star
Contributed by
Urizen
on
Friday, 25th March 2005 @ 06:20:16 PM in AEST
Topic:
ambiguous
|
The walls moan,
A single box of scattered bones,
I try to walk over to you
something stops me;
My feet won't move,
The moon slips out of rhythm,
We are caught, spinning, empty headed,
Take me back to bed, let's start again.
You make your choice,
I lose my way,
A loss of dignity;
The price to pay,
My foot slips on the ledge,
I fall but somehow I don't hit the ground
I'm standing up,
I'm looking down,
I see the city's lights
Amber, green, silver, white,
Glowing, hovering, flowing,
A perfect circle,
A straight curved line,
A distant heaven decieves my eyes.
The universe,
Glory.
Copyright ©
Urizen
... [
2005-03-25 18:20:16]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Wandering Star
(User Rating: 1 )
by emystar on
Friday, 25th March 2005 @ 07:53:52 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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Wow!
This is beautifull even tha a bit sad. It's a unique masterpeice.
luv, huggs, smiles,
emy |
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Re: Wandering Star
(User Rating: 1 )
by Silent-No-More on
Sunday, 27th March 2005 @ 02:29:19 PM AEST
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a Message)
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Some nice imagery here. It's a tad choppy, though I think that's intentional. It works well enough in the later stanzas, but in the first the flow seemed off.
Please don't think that I don't like the piece, I do. I hope you don't mind the feedback - I just couldn't help but thinking, that with a few changes, it could be even more, you know?
Keep writing,
~SNM~ |
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Re: Wandering Star
(User Rating: 1 )
by Angela on
Wednesday, 27th July 2005 @ 01:18:05 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| a unique piece. i liked it. |
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Re: Wandering Star
(User Rating: 1 )
by hardrocker15198916 on
Thursday, 28th July 2005 @ 10:06:34 PM AEST
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a Message)
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its good how you made the reader actually see itin thier head
Its really good
--> Rae and her friend. |
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