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Lucky Day
Contributed by
Butterat_Zool
on
Monday, 16th December 2002 @ 02:20:00 PM in AEST
Topic:
SongLyrics
|
I went swimming in the lake
By the fire and the trees,
And I saw a vision there
That surprised even me.
And I touched it to my lips
And it stroked my pretty cheek,
And I swooned and fell in love
With this thing within a week.
It was green like life,
Like most of us,
It was purple underneath,
It was small and soft
And warm to touch,
And gentle with its teeth.
I took it home and studied it
Til sunshine came behind
The mountain-scene in the background
That tired out my mind.
I set it on the table,
And slept until the dusk
Had flooded through and faded out
Behind the moonshine’s cusp.
It was full of life,
Like most of us,
And silky underneath.
It was forever precious,
Warm to touch,
And somehow within reach.
I washed it in the bathtub
With water fair and warm,
And cleaned it of its parasites,
For this deserved no harm.
For hours I held it in that
Cleansing faucet stream,
And afterwards it looked like something
I had never seen.
I washed it in the bathtub
With water fair and warm,
And cleaned it of its parasites,
For this deserved no harm.
For hours I held it in that
Cleansing water stream,
And afterwards it looked like something
Right out of a dream.
It was shiny like
The stars we love,
And captured my heart whole.
It’s beauty penetrated deep
Within my awestruck soul,
This mystic artifact, it seemed,
Was older than the world.
Then suddenly this object
Of perfect beauty, perfect shape,
Began to soften in my hands,
And melted from its place.
It filled my bathtub with soft red goo
And I quickly plugged it up.
I was not losing what I loved.
I was not giving up.
It was glowing like
An angel’s eye
Could see me from its depth.
A pool of life-giving blood
Had formed beneath my lips.
It was inviting so I leant in
And took a tiny sip.
It tasted just like nothing
I had ever tried before.
My body pulsed with happiness.
I knew I wanted more.
I stripped myself and climbed inside
And felt a perfect blue.
And rested there for thirty days,
Though it seemed a minute or two.
I cared no more of family
Or my childhood of dreams,
For now I know true happiness.
This is what it means.
I am relaxed forever,
And so young forever too.
Eons have passed since I first came
To know that this was true,
But still it seems like minutes,
The birth, life, death of you.
I’ve watched since you were little,
And I’ve watched your family too.
I’ve tried to guide the populace,
To find happiness too,
But through the *****
the buzzards bring,
my voice just will not do.
Forget it, you don’t hear me.
My happiness doesn’t need you.
I close my eyes, solidify,
And spend forever safe, without you.
Copyright ©
Butterat_Zool
... [
2002-12-16 14:20:00]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Lucky Day
(User Rating: 1 )
by bobotheclown on
Monday, 16th December 2002 @ 02:52:43 PM AEST
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I thought this was rather strange although well written. I dont understand how the person found immortality though.
- Bobo (Joel) |
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Re: Lucky Day
(User Rating: 1 )
by Butterat_Zool on
Monday, 16th December 2002 @ 04:53:34 PM AEST
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| Bobo -- The thing that the persona found in the lake, when he cleaned it off turned out to be some sort of life support chamber that created infinite comfort for everyone who got in it. He realizes how great his discovery is in the end, and tries to call his friends over to get in and enjoy it with him, but they don't listen. Time passes far more slowly for him than it does for the rest of the world, and eventually, as his friends die off, he gives up on them, and tries to talk any humans in general into joining him. Unfortunately for the rest of the world, the buzzards (things that buzz, not the bird. i.e. cell phones, refrigerators, microwaves, televisions, etc.) drown out the man's soft offering of salvation from the pains of life. When nobody hears him or acknowledges him, he seals the chamber in the bathtub, and it solidifies, and he simply lives in there, perfectly warm and content, but alone, for the rest of time. Thanks for commenting. Butterat Zool. |
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Re: Lucky Day
(User Rating: 0 )
by Former_Member on
Monday, 16th December 2002 @ 06:04:11 PM AEST
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I stumbled upon this bit of rhyming while sailing the net. I tried to go to poetry.com but the server was down, so I can tell you that I read this poem by chance.
I must say that the poem showed promise at the beginning, but unfortunately got cheezy. I believe you went too far with how wonderfull this Un-namable thing of happiness was and it killed the flow.
And there was no forward motion.
There appeared to be several lines of Filling, which upsets me.
Lines that didn't go anywhere or simply restated what was already said.
Your poem is more of a short story although you say it's a song. As my short-fiction story teacher always scolded me "Say what you want to say, don't focus on the rhyming, no cliches, an maybe they'll understand"
WHen you write, you write for other people.
otherwise what's the point? You already know it. The point is making other people feel as close to what you want them to feel. Which is most often what YOU feel at the time.
Take the energy to gut out all the trivial crud== revamp your poem.
I know it would kill me to change even a single word from one of my works, but if you sacrifice this and start anew with what you like. Make it shorter, and to the point.
Maybe you'll come out with something that isn't a complete waste of my time.
That is........ if you want it to move me and everyone else.
Simply constructive.
Scott Clever |
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Re: Lucky Day
(User Rating: 1 )
by Chrissie on
Friday, 24th January 2003 @ 05:42:02 AM AEST
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This held my attention from start to finish which isn't aways the case with a long piece like this...I admit to needing the explanation like Joel. The both together have given me great enjoyment...thank you...and lots to think about.
Chrissie |
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