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Struck
Contributed by
NoSaint
on
Wednesday, 2nd March 2005 @ 04:43:35 PM in AEST
Topic:
Lifepoems
|
Lightening struck her empty heart
Tearing her life apart
Thunder roaring in her ears
Or was it the sound of her tears
A storm of feelings rushing through
A torrent of thoughts her mind drew
Rivers of memories flowing strong
No more to her should they belong
Flowing freely the tears cleansed
As her soul made amends
With what had for years past
Wish each day was her last
Free now her spirit soared
And her heart empty no more
Filled with love for the world
Happiness the flag she unfurled
Copyright ©
NoSaint
... [
2005-03-02 16:43:35]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Struck
(User Rating: 1 )
by helianthus on
Wednesday, 2nd March 2005 @ 05:11:06 PM AEST
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a Message)
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This is exactly where I am today.
This poem is beautiful. I'm not too good at the rhyming thing. You are... |
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Re: Struck
(User Rating: 1 )
by helianthus on
Wednesday, 2nd March 2005 @ 05:13:14 PM AEST
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This is exactly where I am today.
This poem is beautiful. I'm not too good at the rhyming thing. You are... |
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Re: Struck
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Wednesday, 2nd March 2005 @ 05:28:18 PM AEST
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"Lightening struck her empty heart
Tearing her life apart"
I stopped reading, to comment on this rhyme. Honestly, I must have seen it at least four times today already!!
Aaargh! And my world unfurled, too . . .
Please - I guess the sentiments are pretty good, but I must point this formulaic poem out to people here, and show you how small changes can make a big difference in terms of R&R.
My version of your poem, with some lines kept in:
Lightening struck her empty heart
A whitening bolt, electric shard
Thunder roared throughout her ears
Her eyes welled up, as conscience cleared
A feeling storm, it rumbled through
her mind, a sky o'er rolling dunes
that flashed her flood of memories
down estuaries, to the sea
Tears were mixed in waters, cleansed
with purity that made amends
For what she'd done in years long past -
Wished to dam that river's pass.
So free, (so free) her spirit soared
And with her heart empty no more
She flew with love to wash the earth
in happiness and joyous breath.
~
That's an improvement, in my book. I don't profess to know it all, or even to expect I'm worth listening to - but I know what I've read a thousand times in this site, and that's poets taking inspiration by the throat, and then apologizing for doing so . . .
Anyway - I hope you see my point. I'm only trying to help you improve - that's why we're allowed an opinion.
Keep writing. |
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Re: Struck
(User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on
Wednesday, 2nd March 2005 @ 10:31:37 PM AEST
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| very good poem indeedy. i like the fact that this held my attention, thats a feat these days on this site. |
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Re: Struck
(User Rating: 1 )
by Stitch on
Thursday, 3rd March 2005 @ 07:26:22 AM AEST
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This feeling can be so strong...breaking free...can anything compare to the tearing loose of those bonds...I don't think so.
Well done.
Stitch |
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