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Subsciption to ignorance
Contributed by
darkremains
on
Wednesday, 2nd March 2005 @ 04:37:31 PM in AEST
Topic:
DarkPoetry
|
A subscription to ignorance is bliss
they know this
Deep black ocean pockets
contain the secrets of the process
packed cracking closets
scream to be empty
but the threat of endless agony
closes the fear lock
Chapped lips clasp to threads
hanging to rotten meat
As flies gather around Mecca
sanity is full of dread
It's time to feed
Copyright ©
darkremains
... [
2005-03-02 16:37:31]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Subsciption to ignorance
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Wednesday, 2nd March 2005 @ 04:55:13 PM AEST
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When your poem is as interesting as this, i'm in no mood to be 'gentle'. I like the metaphor here, however indistinct it may be - the imagery obfuscates it just enough for me to think twice about what I'm reading.
I think it is moved along in these lines;
"the secrets of the process" , "the threat of endless agony
closes the fear lock" and "sanity is full of dread"
to an ending which is perfunctory, yet amusing at the same time.
I'd change the following things here, so that it reads better in my eyes, at least;
"closes the fear lock"
to
"just stuffs more fear inside"
and
"Chapped lips clasp to threads
"hanging to rotten meat"
to
Chapped lips suckle threads
hanging from rotting meat"
Nice stuff.
Keep writing and stick to the submission rules, and you'll get all the feedback you deserve.
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Re: Subsciption to ignorance
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Wednesday, 2nd March 2005 @ 05:03:57 PM AEST
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I would have preferred you to stay on one theme - the ocean in the first stanza was vivid, and it made me lurch toward the idea of chapped lips and the imagery in the next, which was equally full, perhaps just misplaced here.
Look forward to more -
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Re: Subsciption to ignorance
(User Rating: 1 )
by emystar on
Wednesday, 2nd March 2005 @ 05:47:35 PM AEST
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Very good writing.
keep it up.
I find the more writes from others that read not only inspires me endlessly but helps my own talent grow and florish as it should. Ofcourse I have the natural talent on loan from God and even tho don't know the names of wrting styles but I jus write um the way I hear um sortta like someone that plays the piano by ear. jus let it flow and someday you'll look back and think, Wo did I actually write that?
hang tuff as you've found your best friend and to me that why I live on to write.
Great job with this.
huggs,
emy |
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