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She's the 1
Contributed by
Kazzy1231
on
Sunday, 27th February 2005 @ 02:21:37 PM in AEST
Topic:
selfstruggles
|
She's the 1 who wants 2 drown.
She's the 1 who always feels down.
She's the 1 who hides away from her fears.
She's the 1 who is full of tears.
She's the 1 who smiles on the outside.
She's the 1 who's crying inside.
She's the 1 who often crys herself 2 sleep.
She's the 1 who cuts 2 deep.
She's the 1 who is me.
This she is me.
Copyright ©
Kazzy1231
... [
2005-02-27 14:21:37]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: She's the 1
(User Rating: 1 )
by heartquake on
Sunday, 27th February 2005 @ 02:30:32 PM AEST
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| good write, i would have went with the words one and to instead of the numbers 1 and 2... but all in all not bad of a poem.... it gives me the vision of someone stepping outside of their body to see all the things they would like to change about themselves... |
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Re: She's the 1
(User Rating: 1 )
by sissy19 on
Sunday, 27th February 2005 @ 02:40:29 PM AEST
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| This poem is deep and I completely understand it because I often feel this way. Great work!! |
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Re: She's the 1
(User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on
Sunday, 27th February 2005 @ 04:33:38 PM AEST
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| dont short cut your letters, reflects laziness. repetition reflects unoriginal thoughts and lack of creative ability. to give away your ending in the beginning, made the ending worthless. and a more original ending would make this piece stand out more and not be the typical one i read every single day. you have nice rhyme scheme, except at the ending. never rhyme the same word with the same word...afterall how many words rhyme with me? over fifteen. |
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Re: She's the 1
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Monday, 28th February 2005 @ 08:55:14 AM AEST
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I'd have to agree with Jen on the lacklustre ending. I would have ended it thus;
"She's the 1 who's mirror sees
That I'm the one that hears her pleas."
Its convoluted, but at least it makes the reader think.
Keep writing. |
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Re: She's the 1
(User Rating: 1 )
by xDizzyGirlx on
Tuesday, 25th October 2005 @ 02:21:58 PM AEST
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Don't let anyone tell you how to write.
These are your feeling alone, no one elses to "perfect".
That's not what poetry is about.
It's about saying what you want to say, how you want to say it, not how someone else thinks it should end or begin.
Just write your heart out ;) |
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