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I see You..
Contributed by
pink_bullets
on
Tuesday, 22nd February 2005 @ 01:36:54 PM in AEST
Topic:
EmotionalPoetry
|
I see you,
In silence you sit,
Your mind seems to wander,
And I wonder why you're here.
I look around this room,
The faces here seem distant,
They don't deserve to be here,
Neither do you.
I wish your life could of been better,
But then,
Then I wouldn't of seen your eyes,
Which dart and glance
Among others.
The darkness which surrounds them,
They mist over with your problems,
And I wish I could help,
But I don't want to intrude
In a life I have nothing
To which I can offer.
I see you
I want you to know
That everything will be fine
For you that is.
I want to see you happy,
I hate you being like this,
I don't know you
But I don't want you ending up like me.
A shadow of pain
And misery
A mass of problems
And self-pity
Copyright ©
pink_bullets
... [
2005-02-22 13:36:54]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: I see You..
(User Rating: 1 )
by Maylaur on
Tuesday, 22nd February 2005 @ 02:57:07 PM AEST
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a Message)
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Wonderful poem. I don't know what it is about it but it struck something in me.
Simply wonderful! |
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Re: I see You..
(User Rating: 1 )
by mypetmeatball on
Tuesday, 22nd February 2005 @ 03:09:50 PM AEST
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I think you started off very well, but I think the last 3 stanzas really missed the boat. Did you force them? I find that I do that a lot, I kind of lose sight and just force the ending to the poem. This is a very, very bad idea. I didnt' get the strong impression I could have gotten because the ending didn't knock me out. I'd change it.
Then again, this is your poetry, and for all I know you could consider the ending appropriate and/or powerful. So do what you feel, this is merely a suggestion. |
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Re: I see You..
(User Rating: 1 )
by afraid_of_fear on
Friday, 25th March 2005 @ 06:27:24 AM AEST
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a Message)
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i love your poetry.. wish you would write more. this makes me wonder who you were writing it to.. unless it's a general thing. i feel like this sometimes.. wonderful write :)
love xxx |
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