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Mine Anodyne
Contributed by
baig
on
Sunday, 20th February 2005 @ 02:29:30 PM in AEST
Topic:
DarkPoetry
|
This is the story of a certain boy.
Who grew to be a man.
All his life he had never known peace.
It was then that he hatched his plan.
This boy never had a solid conversation piece.
Which drew him further into seclusion.
And it was here where he went into his delusions.
Socially excluded, it was society that concluded that he be extruded.
With such frequency came pain.
Exuding from his superficial cerebral vein.
Have you known such pain?
Much anger grew in him.
Anger, frustration, and rage.
Like an animal at bay in a cage.
The world was spinning and he was not.
Always looking in from the outside in.
The world hates him.
He hates the world.
If the world is fighting him, why not fight back?
This boy had many a grievance.
And thus he plotted his vengeance.
The world will change for him.
Many will think this is grim, but remember you shortchanged him.
And remember God made him.
I am going to redefine mankind.
Vengeance became mine anodyne.
Copyright ©
baig
... [
2005-02-20 14:29:30]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Mine Anodyne
(User Rating: 1 )
by cuddlytiger17 on
Sunday, 20th February 2005 @ 06:50:03 PM AEST
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Wow, this is pretty good. The words are hard, their sound. It's good, it enforces the harshness of the circumstances. I love the
ending! Good work. =) |
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Re: Mine Anodyne
(User Rating: 1 )
by Baig on
Sunday, 20th February 2005 @ 08:38:53 PM AEST
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I've never written poetry before.
And thank you. |
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Re: Mine Anodyne
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Sunday, 20th February 2005 @ 08:54:18 PM AEST
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I think you should pick a word other than 'extruded.' @ the end of the first, since I think you're basically trying to repeat yourself with the same 'excluded' rhyme, no? If not, 'extruded' becomes slightly forced - out of context. In fact, you could be done with only two rhymes at the end.
All in all, its better than my first attempt.
Good luck and welcome to YPDC, Baig. |
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Re: Mine Anodyne
(User Rating: 1 )
by LadyWynter on
Sunday, 20th February 2005 @ 09:36:50 PM AEST
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| I really liked this, alot of strong emotion conveyed here. I hope you keep writing, look forward to reading more. :) |
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Re: Mine Anodyne
(User Rating: 1 )
by hopefulheavyheart on
Monday, 21st February 2005 @ 03:54:00 PM AEST
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| I have read both of your poems. They are very well written with a great use of words. I am hoping that you are releasing your vengence in your words only. |
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