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Untitled #3
Contributed by
Nardo
on
Friday, 18th February 2005 @ 06:30:22 PM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
Nothing to hide in my world of shame
as I have faced the truth of what I am.
Bathe in my blood to wash your sins?
No,
I can not save a life that has fallen apart.
My lungs fill with treacherous hope,
painful wishes to be seen and heard
and yet,
no one is listening.
"I don't care!", I scream
as I fall into another fit of rage,
rage against this sorrowful tale of what could have been,
but isn't.
Face the reality,
you've made your bed
now burn it!
Watch it turn from white to black
no color in between.
I'll walk away,
away from you all
in hope that I'll be seen.
Copyright ©
Nardo
... [
2005-02-18 18:30:22]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Untitled #3
(User Rating: 1 )
by zenmind on
Friday, 18th February 2005 @ 07:49:34 PM AEST
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I love your voice. You write some damn good poetry! I can relate to this.
Nothing to hide in my world of shame
as I have faced the truth of what I am.
I love this first line. In it, you confront yourself, as you are, which takes a lot of courage concerning we all have fears and insecurities that we must confront in order to grow as individuals. It comes across with maturity. ----side note----a lot of times, I'm not sure if what I'm saying really applies to the poet, or just to myself. This is what I see in this first line, but it might only relate to me, and not to you, in which case, I guess, I'm wrong in my assumptions about the meaning that you intended, but none the less, I, as the reader, still absorbed a lot from reading it----end of side note----
Bathe in my blood to wash your sins?
No,
I can not save a life that has fallen apart.
My lungs fill with treacherous hope,
painful wishes to be seen and heard
I like how you asked this question. It really helps bring you, as an individual person, who thinks for himself, into the picture of the poem. What I mean, is that I can see how you think, and so I can see who you are, and it is like I can see the process of writing this poem, happen and come to life. It feel organic, like its flowing and you are flowing with it. I don't know if that makes any sense....but....oh well. I also like the image of "treacherous hope"----hahaha its clever, I like the contrast between the words.
"I don't care!", I scream
as I fall into another fit of rage,
rage against this sorrowful tale of what could have been,
but isn't.
Face the reality,
you've made your bed
now burn it!
I love this "narrative" style. And I totally feel this part fo teh poem. I understand the feelings of let down and dissapointment, brought up from what could have been. And what I appreciate is you ability to face what IS. "Face the reality" I like that because that's what we need to do in life, in order to deal with our sh*t. "You've made your bed, now burn it!!"---- Great way to express that feeling. I like your inner monologue you are having with yourself inside your head. It's cool to see that other people write and think in this way, other than myself.
I'll walk away,
away from you all
in hope that I'll be seen.
Great ending. It really hits home, your inner feelings. It leaves the reader with a lasting after taste of disappointment, like a feeling that has accompanied you throughout your entire life. It is very intimate, because only you can ever feel this. Other people that know you, might understand that you feel this way, but they can never feel it. I like that you were willing to put it out in the open. Well that's why we write isn't it? To express ourselves, without holding back, and to hopefully discover a part of ourselves that was hidden deep within, so far back that we might not have been aware of it, but when we write, our real self emerges, and with it, comes a feeling of freedom. Thanks for writing this. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Be True,
zenmind
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