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after the attack (gas)
Contributed by
clivewar
on
Friday, 18th February 2005 @ 07:43:22 AM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
after the attack (gas)
a misty haze,
a wafting cloud slithering slowly on the breeze,
hanging in the air, a translucent veil,
there is no day here,
no light is allowed to seep through without being tinged yellow,
becoming a heavy half-light,
a lazy cousin of true daylight,
the hope and life filtered from its visous form.
And so we fight on in this destitute land,
here we spend our final days,
afraid and alone,
living out the closing act of our existences,
these, our last sights on earth.
Copyright ©
clivewar
... [
2005-02-18 07:43:22]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: after the attack (gas)
(User Rating: 1 )
by Stitch on
Friday, 18th February 2005 @ 08:03:20 AM AEST
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This is good stuff! Very impressed with your imagery and use of words. I haven't read you before, but I like the way you write. This is creative and well done. Nice work.
Stitch |
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Re: after the attack (gas)
(User Rating: 1 )
by Scarlett on
Friday, 18th February 2005 @ 08:51:34 AM AEST
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i liked this a lot. very descriptive and eloquent. powerful subject matter too, i studied the first world war poets for A level english. found it upsetting. i liked rupert brooke, one of his (can't remember which) made me cry.
anyway, got a bit sidetracked there, good poem, i never read you before either but i will now! |
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Re: after the attack (gas)
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Friday, 18th February 2005 @ 10:28:43 AM AEST
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Don't spell 'viscous' without its 'c'. It makes your poetry look bad. As well as "misty haze" - this is a double descriptor - basically like saying that 'today, I saw a foggy fog' which isn't really sensible, is it?
I don't think you can be allowed to use 'alone', in referring to the squaddies who fought and retreated from the trenches - they were comrades in arms - boys grown into men in a matter of months. I think you could have used more poisonous images here, too - the fact that mustard gas is so horrific is totally lost on the reader - the otherwordly, hellish scenes that spawned 'an ecstacy of fumbling' of 'Dulce Et Decorum Est'. and other memorable lines in 'Anthem For Doomed Youth'.
Not everyone that fought, died in the Somme and other battles - I think that you should have brought out some quest for sense, or realism from the barbarity of the trenches at the ending.
Anyways - that's my tuppenceworth. I only comment when i'm interested - and you're not the least interesting poet here, I can assure you . . . |
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Re: after the attack (gas)
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Saturday, 19th February 2005 @ 07:59:27 AM AEST
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Sure, don't mention it. Just remember that i'm probably the only one here pedantic enough to return to a poem to read the comments written after theirs, to gauge the reaction. I doubt you'd get much more than these.
Oh, and another thing - i'm probably the only one who'll respond in commentary on poems - so its a good idea if you use your messaging PM service instead.
Welcome to YPDC. |
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