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Losing focus
Contributed by
lostinmyself
on
Thursday, 10th February 2005 @ 02:54:18 PM in AEST
Topic:
SadPoetry
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I watch your eyes turn slowly grey, from looking into mine,
Dying in some small way, and growing at the same time,
As I search for answers within them, but questions are my replies,
For the only thing I see, is myself hidden in your eyes.
Then as lady luck herself appears and rips you away,
Black and white vision mingles, and slowly turns to grey.
And in pictures of old 40's films, I reenact the way you fell,
While our eyes were both turned grey, by a silently spoken spell.
And I felt my eyes turn slowly white, as light reacted to the shade ,
And the shadows in your eyes became, slowly forming solid shapes,
Those tears are imprinted in memories, and one day they will fade,
But when I see them in your eyes, I fear that they will always stay,
Then I suddenly felt you torn from me, by fingers frozen cold,
Encasing you in an iron grip, too hard, too strong a hold,
I felt you pulled away from me, no way to break the stone,
While our eyes were both turned white, like an early morning snow.
Copyright ©
lostinmyself
... [
2005-02-10 14:54:18] (Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Losing focus
(User Rating: 1 ) by pixie on
Thursday, 10th February 2005 @ 03:08:34 PM AEST (User
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I have to say Philly there is not another on here who can write their feelings down just like you, that was touching, moving and you lay your soul for everyone to see *huggies*
pix xx |
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Re: Losing focus
(User Rating: 1 ) by autumngreeneyes on
Thursday, 10th February 2005 @ 03:14:28 PM AEST (User
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I felt you pulled away from me, no way to break the frozen grip..
While our eyes were both turned white, away, I let my fingers slip..
As for a title.. ..turned to white? maybe.. |
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Re: Losing focus
(User Rating: 1 ) by pixie on
Thursday, 10th February 2005 @ 03:20:52 PM AEST (User
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sorry idea for title, Maybe Fade To White? lol *hugs* |
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Re: Losing focus
(User Rating: 1 ) by Nazmythian on
Thursday, 10th February 2005 @ 03:42:04 PM AEST (User
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I kinda like losing focus for a title ... It hints at the eyes as a subject ... but makes the reader try to determine the meaning.
Fabulous write Phil. And I believe Pixie is right ... when it comes to pulling out your feelings and putting them to pen ... you are indeed gifted !!!
Nazmythian ~
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Re: Losing focus
(User Rating: 1 ) by mina-1 on
Thursday, 10th February 2005 @ 03:54:45 PM AEST (User
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a truly great piece of work.
expressed so well and so full of emotion.
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Re: Losing focus
(User Rating: 1 ) by DorianChambers on
Thursday, 10th February 2005 @ 03:59:30 PM AEST (User
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A briliant peice of writting portrayed by an
artist who's depth and compassion r 2nd 2
none . . .
Dorian Chambers |
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Re: Losing focus
(User Rating: 1 ) by Former_Member on
Thursday, 10th February 2005 @ 05:23:24 PM AEST (User
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pokes Phil...
Take out the part that says;
"It's not true, a bit confusing and needs alot of work. Any help is appreciated"
and it will be perfect!!
Very creative way of expressing feelings...LOTS of feeling.
This piece needs no changes Philly...hug |
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Re: Losing focus
(User Rating: 1 ) by Former_Member on
Thursday, 10th February 2005 @ 06:10:09 PM AEST (User
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I really don't think that it needs anything else, you've captured us in the emotions of your poem like no one else can. |
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Re: Losing focus
(User Rating: 1 ) by pvd on
Friday, 11th February 2005 @ 07:35:09 AM AEST (User
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No addition needed. Emotions that come from the heart and not just the pen. The reader feels it also, good write. I see you settled on a good title.
PVD |
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Re: Losing focus
(User Rating: 1 ) by Stitch on
Saturday, 12th February 2005 @ 09:05:49 AM AEST (User
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You need another comma in the third from the last line, but that's just a technical thing.
What can I say, Lost? You have outdone yourself again. This says tons and says it well. It also speaks of someone who is sifting through the hurt and maybe seeing the purpose in it that will change the future. I hope so. I really like this.
Stitch |
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Re: Losing focus
(User Rating: 1 ) by Bleeding_Nightmares on
Saturday, 12th February 2005 @ 11:28:42 AM AEST (User
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Cool write, well described and detailed poem. |
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Re: Losing focus
(User Rating: 1 ) by Former_Member on
Thursday, 17th February 2005 @ 09:28:25 AM AEST (User
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I truthfully think that its perfect as it is... except I want morreeeeeee. Another masterpiece without a doubt, you've captured everything so perfectly and the imagry it creates is extremely vivid, for me anyway.
Take Care
- Becca |
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Re: Losing focus
(User Rating: 1 ) by UnlovedChild on
Thursday, 24th March 2005 @ 05:43:11 PM AEST (User
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a Message)
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This is an excellent poem. Don't change a thing! |
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