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Hoth Cold Continuum
Contributed by
savingmarion
on
Wednesday, 9th February 2005 @ 05:15:34 PM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
So incubate your solar systematic open house,
And wait for the water to fill your lungs.
Incandescent explanations extinguished,
In the wake of prom night butterflies.
It was the consequential backhand,
That epitomized my fears.
Let’s pull the hands of the clock,
From my neck and see the world,
In black and white.
A narcissistic echo dances reluctantly,
On my tongues while it acts,
On the delivery like a catalyst.
Copyright ©
savingmarion
... [
2005-02-09 17:15:34] (Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Hoth Cold Continuum
(User Rating: 1 ) by Butterat_Zool on
Friday, 23rd February 2007 @ 01:49:20 PM AEST (User
Info | Send
a Message)
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I really like your approach here, invoking the forces of the universe to power a simple kiss. An original delivery that you should hold proudly. It's hard to use big words to write a poem that the average person can understand, but you do well here, I think.
My only critique -- in line 1, the word you're looking for is "systemic", meaning "throughout a system", not "systematic", meaning "following a prescribe method or approach".
Take care,
BZ. |
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