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Condemned
Contributed by
blacksabbath026
on
Tuesday, 8th February 2005 @ 02:03:21 AM in AEST
Topic:
DarkPoetry
|
Brutally slashed, blood splattered
Savagely beaten, organs Scattered
Losing consciousness, death is near
Seeing my insides exposed in the mirror
Darkness overwhelming, Life passes by
This is weird, just like I'm high
Losing all my blood, flowing like the Nile
Horror grows as i see my killers smile
Death comes fast, wearing his black gown
I close my eyes, knowing my trip is down
My spirit starts to fall into the burning fires
Condemned for eternity, amongst sinners and liars
Copyright ©
blacksabbath026
... [
2005-02-08 02:03:21]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Condemned
(User Rating: 1 )
by Hooker on
Tuesday, 8th February 2005 @ 02:48:06 AM AEST
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a Message)
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very descriptive, i like the way the thoughts and the rhymin stayed together
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Re: Condemned
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Tuesday, 8th February 2005 @ 08:02:57 AM AEST
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Yes, its a good first attempt. I'll pick out some things for you to improve it.
Colloqiuals - 'near' and 'mirror' are accented rhymes, which someone from say, France, wouldn't think of rhyming, because it doesn't. Its generally a good idea to stay with pure consonant rhymes once you start with them.
"Losing all my blood, flowing like the Nile
Horror grows as i see my killers smile"
I think there you need to cut some syllables out of the beginning to make it flow easier, although metrically, it stays in line @ 10/10, which is good. I would have tried to keep all the lines on that stanza at 10 syllables for continuity's sake. Anyway - I'd write it out like this;
"Darkness consumes me, and Life flashes by
Like a snapshot of mem'ries, when I was so high
Losing my blood, which flows fast, like the Nile
Now Horror, it grows with my killers smile . . ."
Anyways - that's my tuppence - take it or leave it.
Keep rhyming. |
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