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Promises
Contributed by
fielding88
on
Friday, 28th January 2005 @ 10:20:31 AM in AEST
Topic:
LostLove
|
I made promises for you.
Placing words in your mouth.
I'd gain the world,
Lose my solitude,
By making promises for you.
I laid my life on the line.
Hopes and dreams in your hands.
Obligated to me,
But unknowingly so,
When I made promises for you.
You killed my burden you bore.
My saviour come and gone.
A love so pure--
So purely incomplete;
I made promises for you.
Copyright ©
fielding88
... [
2005-01-28 10:20:31]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Promises
(User Rating: 1 )
by Raven on
Friday, 28th January 2005 @ 10:23:07 AM AEST
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| i like it, keep on writing. |
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Re: Promises
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Friday, 28th January 2005 @ 11:38:54 AM AEST
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Again, the write is good, if short.
The last stanza is a bit vague - i'd change it around thus;
"You dropped this burden you bore --
My saviour's false salvation lost.
A love so pure--
So purely incompatible with the;
promises I made for you."
Hoping this makes sense, (and helps) I am
N_F |
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Re: Promises
(User Rating: 1 )
by faith_my_eyes on
Friday, 28th January 2005 @ 01:35:49 PM AEST
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| Good commentary on the fleeting feelings and allusions of a superficial interest |
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Re: Promises
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Friday, 28th January 2005 @ 03:45:04 PM AEST
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Yes - original - and I think that you handled this concept well with your words -
I made promises for you -
I get this!
Nice job - |
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Re: Promises
(User Rating: 1 )
by lostinmyself on
Friday, 28th January 2005 @ 07:25:56 PM AEST
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Have I need missing out on your poems?
I think I have.
This is fantastic..
"You killed my burden you bore.
My saviour come and gone.
A love so pure--
So purely incomplete;
I made promises for you."
I just adore that.
I agree with N_f though. I think it would be even better if it was longer.
It is still brilliant as it is, though.
*hugs* Phil xxx
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Re: Promises
(User Rating: 1 )
by fielding88 on
Friday, 28th January 2005 @ 08:40:07 PM AEST
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Thanks for all your comments so far. I guess posting poems earlier in the day helped contribute to them all.
I tried my best to keep each of the lines in a stanza the same syllable amount as the preceeding. I strayed away from it at times, but thats why I post my stuff here, so i can get some good feedbak. Thanks everybody! |
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Re: Promises
(User Rating: 1 )
by afterdark on
Friday, 28th January 2005 @ 09:53:15 PM AEST
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| And then you can check yes or no...There was so much blah blah blah here that I forgot I was still reading it.. |
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Re: Promises
(User Rating: 1 )
by O7NeVeS on
Friday, 28th January 2005 @ 10:00:38 PM AEST
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| Nice Job! TD |
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Re: Promises
(User Rating: 1 )
by SimplyMe on
Monday, 31st January 2005 @ 08:48:23 PM AEST
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Ah love and promises... both will forever be a mystery to me. Anywho Well written.
~Alucia~ |
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Re: Promises
(User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on
Tuesday, 19th April 2005 @ 10:07:51 PM AEST
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| this isnt one of your best. i think the fact that this repeated so much took away a lot of my interest. i do not like repetition at all on most days. the most i will ever do in a poem is maybe 3 words, that is how much i cannot stand it. i also think this could have had a better ending. in your other poem you had i looked to you, and you looked away. in this you could have done, i made promises for you, and you broke yours to me. something to that effect anyway. |
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Re: Promises
(User Rating: 1 )
by xXcrossedXx on
Thursday, 16th June 2005 @ 03:34:52 PM AEST
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I agree with essentially9 this is deffinately not your best, though its still pretty good. It might be the fact that the first stanza set a flow to the poem and the rest of the poem didn't stay with it.. I'm not sure.
good write nonetheless,
--amanda-- |
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Re: Promises
(User Rating: 1 )
by Wachumiri on
Saturday, 18th June 2005 @ 06:42:16 AM AEST
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Promises... a lover should never make them. When you're in love, everything is so wonderful. The moon and the stars are within your grasp, for love is yours. And then everything falls apart, and all that remain are the broken promises, mingled with the pieces of the broken hearts. Well, sometimes things work out too, but who wants to hear their story? Just kidding. I would, but it's 4:41 am, and I don't really know what I'm writing about anymore. I'm really sorry. The poem
*Reading it again*
I liked it. It... I don't know, it sounds like it tore a little heart out to write, if you know what I mean. Well, I'll leave you alone. Sorry about the comment.
Take care.
David |
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