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Present
Contributed by
fielding88
on
Tuesday, 18th January 2005 @ 03:54:46 PM in AEST
Topic:
LostLove
|
I gave you a present I did not buy.
When you gave it away I had to ask why.
My love for you was all I had.
It would be there for you through good times and bad
But nothing you can do will make me mad.
I gave you my present, I gave you my all.
I was not ready for this horrible fall.
My love lost on one, love given to thee,
Would leave no more love to remain in me.
My present rejected, no hope to regain
The love I had, such a beautiful pain.
You’ve taken from me a present so dear,
And for this reason I truly fear
That I’m empty inside, with nothing to give,
Because of you, I can never live.
The present I gave not my only one,
But after you, I can give it to none.
Copyright ©
fielding88
... [
2005-01-18 15:54:46]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Present
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Tuesday, 18th January 2005 @ 05:31:33 PM AEST
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Adeptly written. I've irritatingly conjured up Wham's 'Last Christmas' on this one (forgive me later) in respect of its 'gift of love' theme, and can't get George Michael's Christmas mullet out (off?) my head.
Anyway -I'll mention this line,
"Because of you, I can never live. "
being a little drab, and seemlingly forced with 'give'. I'd rewrite those lines like;
"I’m empty inside, with nothing to gain,
Because of you, my life's in vain"
Just a suggestion.
Catch you on the flipside, 88.. |
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Re: Present
(User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on
Sunday, 24th April 2005 @ 12:14:07 AM AEST
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| this was a good poem in general, but some of the rhymes seem forced. seeing your later work, i know that you have solved this problem, but i am commenting on this poem and not your newer ones. you havent progressed far with what you say in a poem, except that your poems now have more of a theme basis, so that they have a point. this one just seems to have the point of it being written and never forgotten, an ode. you have progressed in style though, which is very nice to see. ::still remembers your first post was far better than mine:: |
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Re: Present
(User Rating: 1 )
by xXcrossedXx on
Tuesday, 21st June 2005 @ 01:51:38 PM AEST
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I think this was a good poem.
The line: I gave you my present, I gave you my all.
I was not ready for this horrible fall.
Is my favorite, great write.
I think the line in the last stanza refering to how you can not live is a little blunt for this piece and if you want to use it tie it in more with the ending try saying something about how your love is done, but keep the "I can give it to none" part thats great.
lol.. sorry this is really confusing, its a good piece it just needs a little more work and organization.
--amanda-- |
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