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Break For Night
Contributed by
Silent-No-More
on
Saturday, 15th January 2005 @ 10:28:54 PM in AEST
Topic:
LovePoetry
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She set her hand upon tomorrow
And turned her gaze to him
He nodded, needing not to say a word,
To call the day to end
The willow trees bent in response
And the wind paused for a bit
For nature knew what they did not
And the sun succumbed to it
Standing motionless before the night
For a moment, they lingered there
Rapt by the trees and the silenced wind
Feeling a change then in the air
Until he reached and took her hand
Leading her into the dark
Knowing the future lay in night’s wake,
The past then fell apart
Copyright ©
Silent-No-More
... [
2005-01-15 22:28:54]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Break For Night
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Saturday, 15th January 2005 @ 10:31:57 PM AEST
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Great write.
Nice imagery. |
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Re: Break For Night
(User Rating: 1 )
by SocialMisfit on
Sunday, 16th January 2005 @ 12:34:43 AM AEST
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very cool imagry you painted a picture in my head and it was a interesting picture at that, this was cool and a very awsome poem.
SM |
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Re: Break For Night
(User Rating: 1 )
by outsider on
Sunday, 16th January 2005 @ 12:43:47 AM AEST
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| Very well written piece, very vivid and alive, I enjoyed reading this. |
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Re: Break For Night
(User Rating: 1 )
by blueheart on
Sunday, 16th January 2005 @ 02:07:36 AM AEST
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A profound piece. Well written and captivating. :)
Nicely done. |
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Re: Break For Night
(User Rating: 1 )
by Rakerman1999 on
Sunday, 16th January 2005 @ 09:18:13 AM AEST
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Beautiful. I think the flow is a little off. in verses 1 and 2.and the rhyme goes just a bit astray in the first and last verse. Other than that it's great
Roses
Larry |
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Re: Break For Night
(User Rating: 1 )
by autumngreeneyes on
Sunday, 16th January 2005 @ 03:30:51 PM AEST
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touches my heart..for some reason that I know not..
I was wondering..if instead .. of the word end..you could use whim..or smething that rhymes better with him..
even dim.. the evenings lights grew dim.. the morning star grew dim.. just a thought?
She set her hand upon tomorrow
And turned her gaze to him
He nodded, needing not to say a word,
To call the day to end
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Re: Break For Night
(User Rating: 1 )
by autumngreeneyes on
Sunday, 16th January 2005 @ 11:49:11 PM AEST
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I liked the poem.. I didn't say I didn't like it.. and I don't really know enough about rhyme really, to talk about it.
I just know what I hear when I read aloud.. and we all read and speak differently.. but don't think that I don't like it, because I do.. it's beautiful.
mary |
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Re: Break For Night
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Monday, 17th January 2005 @ 02:31:03 AM AEST
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I believe that the oblique rhymes you use here are better than the end rhymes (bit/it?), as they are more subtle. I still think the rhythm is out (He nodded, needing) in places, but its got some strong lines that I can relate to-
"the past then fell apart"
Keep writing, SNM. |
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Re: Break For Night
(User Rating: 1 )
by girltranscended on
Monday, 17th January 2005 @ 04:47:19 PM AEST
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This was really interesting and I especially loved:
"She set her hand upon tomorrow" &
"The past then fell apart"
They are both very strong lines which grab the reader (ok me) and hold them through to the last powerful line - and then of course there is the twenty minutes of thought they produce right afterward too. :)
The gaze without speaking, contemplating the wind and trees, and the man leading the woman into the dark are all so very intoxicating and dreamy. You set a wonderful mood again SNM. And hey! A short one for you!
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Re: Break For Night
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Tuesday, 18th January 2005 @ 02:25:15 PM AEST
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I'm the type of person that always looks for hope, even in hopeless situations...and that is what I see here...hope.
...and yes, I know that you knew I would say that. Tough, I'm saying it anyways. ;) |
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Re: Break For Night
(User Rating: 1 )
by Nazmythian on
Friday, 21st January 2005 @ 03:51:41 PM AEST
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I sense potential ... It is as if the words fell into place asking for the reader to develop them. I have the hardest time with that ... some seemingly unfinished thought that is complete, but only touches at the fringes of what I ache to say. I have works like this I save and come back to again and again ... trying to regain direction ... at times it is never found. I guess some things just, ARE ... there are some incredible lines here, words I wish were mine.
Nazzy ~ |
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Re: Break For Night
(User Rating: 1 )
by Sapphire_Blue on
Monday, 24th January 2005 @ 07:18:22 AM AEST
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| Different but cool to read, cant offer you any advice, as i dont post on this site much anymore. beautiful write. |
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Re: Break For Night
(User Rating: 1 )
by Stitch on
Thursday, 27th January 2005 @ 10:37:26 AM AEST
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You've said a great deal here. I think this "captures a moment" and does so with depth.
Stitch |
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Re: Break For Night
(User Rating: 1 )
by UnlovedChild on
Saturday, 26th March 2005 @ 04:09:57 PM AEST
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| A very touching and well expressed poem. Amazing job. |
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Re: Break For Night
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Monday, 5th June 2006 @ 01:30:54 AM AEST
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| Aw, beautifully romantic. :-) |
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