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The World is so Much Darker
Contributed by
enjoiskating6
on
Friday, 7th January 2005 @ 11:05:26 AM in AEST
Topic:
DarkPoetry
|
I’m fed truth through a clogged and narrow funnel,
its like seeing light at the end of an infinite tunnel,
My mind can’t hold anymore lies it takes in,
I don’t let out enough to let more within,
The spider that lives in my dream catcher’s dead,
So all these nightmares get locked in my head,
I wake in pitch black and look for what’s right,
But my rooms painted back as my window at night,
I feel along my walls until I find the switch,
But the light is as black as the hat of a witch,
My blood runs cold as my breath picks up pace,
My palms start to sweat and my heart starts to race,
My alarm went off when I set it for nine,
The birds started to chirp so the sun must shine?
Well you always tolled me I was blind to the truth,
The world’s so much darker then it seemed in our youth.
Copyright ©
enjoiskating6
... [
2005-01-07 11:05:26]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: The World is so Much Darker
(User Rating: 1 )
by pixie on
Friday, 7th January 2005 @ 11:09:29 AM AEST
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a Message)
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great write, hope that your world looks brighter one day soon *hugs*
pixie xx |
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Re: The World is so Much Darker
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Friday, 7th January 2005 @ 12:06:32 PM AEST
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This is good.
Yet, it seems contrived. You obviously have a facility for rhyme, and it shows in the easy double AB structure here, but for me you went awry at the third stanza, which is padding, in my opinion, as it doesn't say anything which correlates to the title and the inspiration which you purport it to be created.
There is so much to be said on this subject, and the only places I think you alluded to it were in the first (faintly) and the last stanzas.
I'd rewrite the third stanza as follows;
"I feel along my bedroom walls until I find that switch,
the thing that turns my night from day, as I cannot tell which
Is which, you know, from youth, I grow at such a rapid pace -
so I awake from childhood, making hope fall into place . . ."
So, thats not entirely spot-on (and in rhythm), but I think it does what a third stanza should do, and that is work out the promise of four-stanza poem, and make sense of the previous two, in preparation for the conclusion of the fourth and last.
*deep breath*
Anyway - I liked this - and I admire the attempt.
Keep writing, and enjoying skating. |
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