'Twas The Morning Of Christmas (or A Visit from The In-laws)
Contributed by
Rous
on
Sunday, 26th December 2004 @ 08:55:51 AM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
'Twas the morning of Christmas, when all through the house
The paper was rattling, disturbing the mouse.
The refuse was slung ‘round the room by the chair,
Only Mom was worried that the in-laws would soon be there.
The children were fighting and tugging on toys,
Mom was wondering again whose idea it was to have boys.
Dad was settled in for his afternoon nap,
He was tired trying to convince Mom last night was only a nightcap.
When out at the door there arose such a clatter,
He sprang from the chair to see what was the matter.
Away to the window he flew like a flash,
tore open the shutter, and threw up the sash.
The sun blinded him, glaring on the new-fallen snow
His family was early, just wouldn’t you know.
Then what to his bloodshot eyes should appear,
but a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.
With a little kid driver, so lively and quick,
He knew in a moment his lawn ornaments had been nicked.
More rapid than eagles, the buggers they came,
and he cursed them and shouted and called them by name:
"Hey, Chester! Hey, Henry!
Get back here you brats!
Stop, Billy! Stop, Danny!
I‘ll smash you flat!”
To the top of the porch!
To the top of the wall!
He then lost his balance,
His scream preceded his fall!
As a meteor that falls with the grace of a fly,
when met by a swatter, is doomed to die
so down to the ground Dad fell, and with his luck he knew,
He landed on the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.
And then, in a twinkling, it was heard in the house
the silence was deafening, they all heard the mouse.
As Mom drew in her head and was turning around,
through the door came the in-laws, arriving with a bound.
They were dressed all in fur, from their heads to their feet;
they had shot them themselves, with antlers complete.
Pa used the doorjamb to relieve the itch on his back,
and he looked like a druggie just run down by a Mack.
His eyes--how unfocused! His stubble, how hairy!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
The drool from his mouth ran like a river in flood,
And his eyes looked like roadmaps, they were so shot with blood.
The stump of a joint he held tight in his teeth,
and the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a huge round belly,
that shook when he coughed, like a bowl full of jelly.
He was chubby and fat, a right sorry elf,
and Mom sighed when she saw him, in spite of herself.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Made her glad she had boys, or just wish he were dead.
He went straight to the fridge, no speech was heard,
and filled up his arms, with nary a word.
And laying his finger inside of his nose,
and giving a snort, he suddenly froze.
He sprang to the front room, and gave a low gasp,
He‘d been followed by Ma, big busted and large assed.
She soon sent him packing out the back door in a flash
She had never quite forgiven him that case of the rash
Pa figured it was time to make scarce and just leave
The bar down the road would make a happy retreat
And Mom heard him exclaim, 'ere he moved out of sight,
"Time to mosey along; things here are much too tight!"
So Christmas is not necessarily Merry for all who partake
For some it’s a season to just smile and fake
I hope you’ve enjoyed this farcical rendition
Just some nonsense I wrote due to my condition
You see, we’ve just spent Christmas with all of my in-laws
And although nothing like this one, is still grates my craw
That we spend money and time chasing meaningless favor
And forget that the season commemorates the birth of our Savior.
Merry Christmas and God Bless
Copyright ©
Rous
... [
2004-12-26 08:55:51]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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