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PLEASE
Contributed by
BEBE
on
Wednesday, 22nd December 2004 @ 05:00:18 PM in AEST
Topic:
selfstruggles
|
IM AFRAID
AS I START TO FADE AWAY;DECAY.
IM SCARED,
I FEEL TOTALLY UNPREPAIRED
LORD, I NEED YOUR HELP
PLEASE
I WANT THIS TO DECEASE
ALL THIS PAIN
WHY CANT I JUST FEEL LIKE THE RAIN
I PROMISE THAT I WILL BE GOOD.
PLEASE
I WILL STAY OUT OF YOUR WAY
AND I WILL OBEY
LORD I PRAY,
JUST PLEASE MAKE THIS STOP
Copyright ©
BEBE
... [
2004-12-22 17:00:18]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: PLEASE
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Thursday, 23rd December 2004 @ 04:09:26 AM AEST
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a Message)
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You've misused the word 'deceased' as in to stop pain. Pain doesn't 'die', as I see it, it ceases to be. You also ask why you can't 'feel like the rain' - this is ambiguous - I can't imagine what the rain feels like 'to be', and you don't help me in any way to identify what you're attempting to describe.
Also, your unnecessary capitalisation is like matches between my eyelids, forcing your words into my consciousness. Captilisation should only really be used in co-operation with punctuation, in the right places to elucidate what you're trying to say, and not to force your language upon the reader.
Rhythmically, this piece is in staccato [sic?] but does move along with the rhymes you employ, some of which are simple and perhaps (some might say) cliche'd (rain/pain for example), but work nontheless.
Hope this is a comment you appreciate.
Keep writing. |
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Re: PLEASE
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Thursday, 23rd December 2004 @ 04:16:02 AM AEST
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This is what I'd write;
"I'm afraid,
Fearful as I fade away,
decay.
I'm scared,
completely unprepared
for this . . .
Lord, I beseech you!
Please give me peace!
I want it all to cease--
the anguish,
the pain,
To feel freedom from this rain,
again.
I promise not to stray
I'll pray . . .
even everyday
If it would please you to
keep this rain away . . ."
Not exactly brilliant, but I think its an improvement, somehow.
Hope you think its worth consideration. |
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Re: PLEASE
(User Rating: 1 )
by kt88 on
Thursday, 23rd December 2004 @ 01:07:49 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| bebe keep up the good work i know exactly what your talking about. hope to see more of your poetry. love you! |
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