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Poet's Ramblings 4
Contributed by
FleurdeSang
on
Tuesday, 14th December 2004 @ 02:13:31 PM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
Dawning without roses.
Scent of voices.
A heart dances downhill.
A crystal forgets the weeping.
A spring is found shivering tears.
The kisses. The echoes. The deformed hands.
The white, nameless pages,
Sitting at the door of the temple.
And where was God, who permitted this? Where?
The breeze draws circles,
The circles bring voices,
And the voices repeat the same litany as always:
And where was He?
My soul sobbed without voice and accent.
It was the womb of a distorted grimace,
Like the dead…like the resonance inside you…
Your hands tremble,
And you will die like all the others.
And I, a tiny tired voice,
Will lose myself in the undulations that rise in the night…
And forever, your gray face, will make me live,
In the eternal pain of your treason…
Copyright ©
FleurdeSang
... [
2004-12-14 14:13:31]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Poet's Ramblings 4
(User Rating: 1 )
by Red_October on
Tuesday, 14th December 2004 @ 02:18:07 PM AEST
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| Your ramblings make beautiful poetry. Tiffany J. (Red_October) |
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Re: Poet's Ramblings 4
(User Rating: 1 )
by Nazmythian on
Tuesday, 14th December 2004 @ 02:36:40 PM AEST
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* Stunned * I am beyond words here. I'm going to read through a few more times and let the words sink in ... I'll be back.
Nazzy ~ |
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Re: Poet's Ramblings 4
(User Rating: 1 )
by zenmind on
Tuesday, 14th December 2004 @ 02:52:47 PM AEST
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This poem built on itself, and ended at its strongest.
And where was God, who permitted this? Where?
The breeze draws circles,
The circles bring voices,
And the voices repeat the same litany as always:
And where was He?
You know I liked this for a particular reason, which I will explain, but I'm sure it's not what you intended. first of all, I like poems that ask questions. That shows how the writer is putting their voice out there, in a real way. In a way that doesn't try to act like they "have it all figured out". I like authenticity like that. Second of all, I've noticed, that when writers do ask questions in their poems, they usually answer it, maybe without knowing it, which is I think what you did.
Look at this, you asked, "Where is God?" And you answered yourself, with
"The breeze draws circles,
The circles bring voices,"
God cannot be put in a box. You cannot define what God is, because God is infinite. Something infinte cannot be defined because that would be putting limitations on it. But God does exist because life exists.(These are all my personal beliefs, so I might be wrong) And I also believe that the only way to experience God, is within this present moment. God is right here, right now, all of the time. And It's cool because you asked "Where is God?" and you answered with ""The breeze draws circles,
The circles bring voices," God is in this moment....the breeze draws circles....I got an image of one single moment, one single moment in which God expresses himself. That is where God is. You answered yourself. But remember, that that was the way I interpreted it, because that's how I relate to it. It probably was not your intention. But I always think it's fun to look at other people's perspective.
And you will die like all the others.
And I, a tiny tired voice,
Will lose myself in the undulations that rise in the night…
And forever, your gray face, will make me live,
In the eternal pain of your treason…
I feel you....That reminds me of something I would write to....I love it....And like I said, the rest of you poem was building up to this, and this was the climax, and you finshed it well. I relate to the image of a "tired voice" very well....I don't know how many poems I've written saying "I'm tired" it's that feeling like you've lived a thousand lifetimes in a period of 20 years, and you are so emotionally drained....Yeah, I know that feeling.....And your last line was beautiful....Couldn't have written anything better myself.
Be True,
zenmind |
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Re: Poet's Ramblings 4
(User Rating: 1 )
by ladyfawn on
Sunday, 9th January 2005 @ 06:50:03 PM AEST
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this is beautiful:) hugs n' love nessa
@->>->:- |
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Re: Poet's Ramblings 4
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Tuesday, 26th October 2010 @ 10:34:34 PM AEST
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| I rarely but occasionally read the other comments on poems. So, to say I never do would be inaccurate. While I see some beauty as it is remarked so, in this because you do very much indeed write "beautifully", IE lines like "The breeze draws circles" and "The circles bring voices" I also see there is darkness in many of the lines. To question why God permits things in itself suggests there are things that are indeed evil occurring in this world. A soul sobbing without a voice and accent makes me want to cry. These ramblings are much like the thoughts we have...at night...while sitting or lying there in silence, thinking, what the ***** is going on? This poem captures those thinking and questioning moments perfectly. |
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