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loveobey
Contributed by
lenore
on
Monday, 6th December 2004 @ 08:59:06 PM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
sounding ring of clouding grey
the death that always lies
pulling at every aching vine of
hope and latter love
white light burns the guilty eyes
and sight of things unpure
because i am the
wretched
unwashed
putred
filth
the thoughts of the unworthy wind
and break your delicate heart of lace
and forever turn you away
the putred will never win your heart
the filth can't wash away
to be unwashed is the other crime
the wretched must obey
but the thought of that heart of lace
must forever be thought out of reach
for the ever closing ring of grey
can never be kept at bay
that desperate gasp
and aching breath is not for you
oh, heart of lace
no, turn your chance away from me
for i am no thing to want or be.
Copyright ©
lenore
... [
2004-12-06 20:59:06]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: loveobey
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Friday, 10th December 2004 @ 08:02:48 AM AEST
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a Message)
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Welcome, Lenore, and thanks for submitting this poem. It seems to me to be licensed in a way that expounds longing and rejection, which I understand entirely.
Your rhyme scheme is somewhat sparse, or thin, but (mayhap illogical in my perception, but that's me) you may be somewhat more experimental in your first submission than I . . . the heart of lace is original, but i'm foundering for a correlation for it in this line;
"and break your delicate heart of lace"
. . . since lace doesn't really 'break', and in its delicate stature and evasive nature, the heart in question doesn't fit into this metaphor, for me. Yet, I like the way you approached this, with the title, as it is one of the better first-time submissions I've seen here - Its certainly better than mine . . . lol.
Keep writing. |
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Re: loveobey
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Friday, 10th December 2004 @ 08:05:27 AM AEST
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Perhaps 'slice' or 'cut' would be better suited to 'break' in that line I pointed out . . .
Just a suggestion. |
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Re: loveobey
(User Rating: 1 )
by maggsie on
Saturday, 26th August 2006 @ 04:35:41 PM AEST
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i am so sad for you. u sound self loathing, not a good look, i'd be interested to see wat else youve written.
maggsie
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