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(bloody past)
Contributed by
blackrose233
on
Thursday, 2nd December 2004 @ 09:25:28 PM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
(Bloody past)
Sitting there all alone should call my friend on the telephone but I don’t dare she wont care I see the glass as I remember
my past some images are vast I grab the glass setting it lightly on my skin not meaning to harm I remember again of my
vast images of the past as I uncontrollably slide the glass fast across the skin it goes making a line ware the river of
blood begins to flow out I feel no doubt no remorse of course the crimson color now all read as my blood starts to shed
the glass then fall to the ground ware hopefully it will be safe and sound drops of blood leak to the floor as I get up to
shut the door I get in my bed to rest my tender head the blood still flows hopefully nobody knows blood leaving my arm I
have meant to do no harm I want to weep but I am to tired I must sleep dream of dreams that are so obscene than I
awaken to the smell of bacon I look to my arm than here me alarm blood is still there leaking out but not as fast then I
remember the glass
Copyright ©
blackrose233
... [
2004-12-02 21:25:28]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: (bloody past)
(User Rating: 1 )
by Stoney1 on
Friday, 3rd December 2004 @ 10:21:56 AM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
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ok, you ignore any and all punctuation. Granted, in poetry
you can get away with a minimum of punctuation, but some
lines cry out for it where the reader might become confused.
For example:
Sitting there all alone should call my friend on the telephone but I don’t dare she won{'}t care I see the glass as I remember
At first, I thought you were trying for an internal ryhme but
then I see that sentences were ending at a line break in the
middle of a thought.
Try using your line breaks to complete a thought.
Sitting there all alone
should call my friend on the telephone
but I don’t dare
she won{'}t care
I see the glass as I remember (my past)
etc. etc.
The rhyming also seems to be a bit strained.
Example:
blood begins to flow {out} I feel no {doubt} no {remorse} of {course} the crimson color now all {re{-a}d} as my blood starts to {shed}
Rhyming in a poem is like adding salt to a stew; a little bit
goes a long way. Too much spoils the taste.
It can also lead you into areas that you don't want to go because
the thought really doesn't belong in that particular piece.
Example:
I awaken to the smell of bacon I look to my arm {-than} {+then} here m{+y}{-e} alarm blood is still there leaking out but not as fast then I
I think your poem has potential; it just needs a serious editing.
Stoney
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