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Rendezvous
Contributed by
bonita2689
on
Wednesday, 24th November 2004 @ 04:17:10 PM in AEST
Topic:
DarkPoetry
|
My bleeding pen consoles me
like candy it flows so sweet and freely
thoughts tangled, entwined, sickly and morbid
coating the paper with fantasies of passion and hatred
greeting a midnight sky with an unfriendly welcome
praising lovers of two wicked evils
poisoning the holy
but giving birth to glory
a ballad of bloodied tears
sweet sonnets that reflect our fears
a skewed painting, my canvas glitters worlds unseemly
enchanting it's followers with darkness that gleams
*thanks to Kindredblood_dragon for the "ballad of bloodied tears" line*
Copyright ©
bonita2689
... [
2004-11-24 16:17:10]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Rendezvous
(User Rating: 1 )
by Doriens_Picture on
Wednesday, 24th November 2004 @ 05:06:08 PM AEST
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| this is really one the most brilliant writes i have read i know how it is having paper as your only friend the only one who ever listens and is never afraid of what you will tell it |
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Re: Rendezvous
(User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on
Wednesday, 24th November 2004 @ 06:15:56 PM AEST
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| brilliant. i loved this one. i think this is my new favorite out of all the poems that youve written that i have read and commented on. keep up the excellent work =] |
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Re: Rendezvous
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Tuesday, 1st February 2005 @ 07:43:48 AM AEST
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"like candy it flows so sweet and freely"
I've never seen candy 'flow'. Perhaps 'tastes' would be better here?
"a ballad of bloodied tears"
I don't think that fits in here. 'Bloodied tears' is quite a cliche, in my opinion, regardless of KBD's insight. Perhaps 'a ballad of bittersweet tears' would be better?
Also, the last line kind of repeats the previous one, with its coruscant theme. I'd write it as;
"enchanting all in its tenebrous pulse"
That's a bit laconic, but i think its an improvement.
Hoping you find my opinions useful, i am
N_F
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