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Magic in Retrospect

Contributed by neveryours on Tuesday, 16th November 2004 @ 10:05:04 AM in AEST
Topic: oops

Remembering as I do now
Casts golden shadows on our fate
And all the messy muted lines
Are smooth and softened gently by.

With amber hue my hand will paint
The heartache til she bleeds no more
Suffering that at once did break
Is wrapped by distance, comfort shore

I toss my saddened net to fate
Like mystic magic witchcraft spark
This weeping willowed withered ache
Returns with bounty, hope filled ark

So smile do I in heart anew
As though the vile sordid mess
Had pressed itself to diamondness
And this, how I remember you.

Copyright © neveryours ... [ 2004-11-16 10:05:04]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: Magic in Retrospect (User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on Tuesday, 16th November 2004 @ 10:52:59 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

All good, except for an ambiguity here;

"The heartache til she bleeds no more"

Is this your heart effeminate, or the object of the reminisce? I'm unsure.

In iambs, I think 'suffering' jolts the next line out of rhythm . . ?

"Suffering that at once did break"

"witchcraft " at the 2nd, 3rd feels difficult - perhaps 'witching' or 'spellfire' might be sound better.

I like the abba ending and your use of 'diamondness', especially, even though I can't help but expect another syllable in there somewhere.

Anywho, that's what my perspective found awry - not much, as usual. I thought the way you moved me from 1rst to 2nd was especially pleasant, (including the stanzas themselves) and I'm glad to read something original once again.

Keep writing.

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