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I can count on you
Contributed by
Rxqueen
on
Thursday, 11th November 2004 @ 11:07:50 AM in AEST
Topic:
DarkPoetry
|
Glowing eyes like fireflys peirce me through the night
I once knew to trust but here with you the feeling is more than right
a deciever be yet you come to me with warnings from the grave
hello may friend we meet again I am your eternal slave
in a land of sinners it is a riddle why you have chosen me
but I argue not, for you are here strictly on business to be
taking your hand i begin to understand what I have wrongfully done
a morbid twist has brought me this and I can nowhere run
A pact was sealed, made a deal, forever my soul to keep
So now you've risen with the discision to take me to the deep
I feel no fear for you are here as you have always been
lurking, waiting, anticipating when it will be my end
time to appear whispering in my ear "dear I am your one true friend"
Oh it is true, I can forever count on you, pain and misery
Not ever a time were you not mine or did you turn your back on me.
Copyright ©
Rxqueen
... [
2004-11-11 11:07:50]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: I can count on you
(User Rating: 1 )
by pixie on
Thursday, 11th November 2004 @ 11:12:30 AM AEST
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a Message)
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deep and dark, and very well written,
pixie xx |
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Re: I can count on you
(User Rating: 1 )
by Kie on
Thursday, 11th November 2004 @ 11:21:34 AM AEST
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a Message)
|
I love the way you write but I wish it was in stanzas and not like a paragraph form. You write beautifully but for me (I'm old) it would be easier to read like this---
Glowing eyes like firefly's
Pierce me thru the night
Trust I knew, but here with you
The feelings more than right
I dunno, take what I said with a grain of salt because I really loved the overall piece and you do write beautifully.
Kie |
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Re: I can count on you
(User Rating: 1 )
by Stitch on
Thursday, 11th November 2004 @ 11:27:02 AM AEST
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a Message)
|
I couldn't read this without working on the details of spelling, etc. I didn't deal with the caps, but that can wait. I'm an editor and sometimes I just can't help myself. What you have here is heartfelt and with enough mystery to keep your reader fascinated. Your descriptions are excellent, and you come to
a worthwhile conclusion. Focus a bit more on your grammar, punc, and spelling, and your stuff will polish up real nice.
Stitch
Glowing eyes like fireflies pierce me through the night
I once knew to trust, but here with you the feeling is more than right
a deciever be, yet you come to me with warnings from the grave
hello my friend, we meet again
I am your eternal slave
in a land of sinners, it is a riddle why you have chosen me,
but I argue not, for you are here strictly on business to be
taking your hand I begin to understand what I have wrongfully done
a morbid twist has brought me this and I can nowhere run
A pact was sealed, made a deal, forever my soul to keep
So now you've risen with the decision to take me to the deep
I feel no fear for you are here as you have always been
lurking, waiting, anticipating when it will be my end
time to appear whispering in my ear "Dear I am your one true friend"
Oh it is true, I can forever count on you---pain and misery
Not ever a time were you not mine or did you turn your back on me
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Re: I can count on you
(User Rating: 1 )
by sweetangeluk on
Thursday, 11th November 2004 @ 11:58:15 AM AEST
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a Message)
|
Terrific poem deep and had a spiritual feel to it
Love Sweetangelukxxx |
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Re: I can count on you
(User Rating: 1 )
by blowfish_jane on
Thursday, 11th November 2004 @ 12:49:23 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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Jocelyn wow was this deep, i really love this.
Hugs,
Jane |
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