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Disguises
Contributed by
xXAgainTwiceXx
on
Wednesday, 3rd November 2004 @ 09:00:32 PM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
Disguises are unraveling.
One less perfect,
Less convincing
Than the last.
I'm becoming less and less
Of what you want.
What you've expected,
Wished,
What you've forced upon me.
This burden you won't allow me
To be rid of.
You're fading from within me.
For once
Maybe, just maybe,
I can enjoy
Being me
Rather than what you've made me.
Copyright ©
xXAgainTwiceXx
... [
2004-11-03 21:00:32]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Disguises
(User Rating: 1 )
by eyesxcriedxout1989 on
Wednesday, 3rd November 2004 @ 09:08:05 PM AEST
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a Message)
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as I've said before I liked it...very good job
Mason
P.S. what the hell does "ly2" mean? |
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Re: Disguises
(User Rating: 1 )
by girltranscended on
Wednesday, 3rd November 2004 @ 09:57:04 PM AEST
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a Message)
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I like this. Just a note: after the first four lines my ear wants to hear it rhyme, maybe like:
Disguises are unraveling,one less perfect, less convincing than the last.
I'm becoming less and less of what you expected in the past. and then maybe rhyme it one more time...or not even really rhyme it but throw in a couple well placed similar sounding words for flow.
Great job! |
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Re: Disguises
(User Rating: 1 )
by Tanmaya on
Thursday, 4th November 2004 @ 09:01:10 AM AEST
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Very well-written.
Concise and yet, meaningful.
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Re: Disguises
(User Rating: 1 )
by Stoney1 on
Thursday, 4th November 2004 @ 12:43:46 PM AEST
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I think you have an interesting idea here,
and I think that you should develop it.
You could start with a good edit. Less use of
the word, "less" would be a place to begin. *g*
Stoney |
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Re: Disguises
(User Rating: 1 )
by screwup on
Saturday, 13th November 2004 @ 11:17:08 AM AEST
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a Message)
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great piece... as i feel the same... and i can understand your pain.
~screwup |
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