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So Alone (Hopeless)
Contributed by
iluvpencils
on
Wednesday, 20th October 2004 @ 01:44:38 PM in AEST
Topic:
toughstuff
|
Sitting here waiting
For what, I don't know
Pleading for silence
As I scream out from inside
The yelling is getting louder
But I just can't shut it out
So I sit here
I close my eyes,
Will the red to blacken
I look up,
But everything's the same
I'm begging for relief
Somehow,
Please
Please
Make this pain disappear
I feel so cold
My heart feels like stone
All emotion drained
Nothing shows on this face
Not even the pain
It's all been washed away
I sit here hoping
But nobody sees
My broken dreams
Nobody sees
Nobody sees
Copyright ©
iluvpencils
... [
2004-10-20 13:44:38]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: So Alone (Hopeless)
(User Rating: 1 )
by Pyrofungus on
Wednesday, 20th October 2004 @ 01:47:37 PM AEST
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so sad to be drained...even sadder when your alone and no one even tries to comfort you or understand...good poem though...
please comment on my work too
summer |
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Re: So Alone (Hopeless)
(User Rating: 1 )
by Saz on
Wednesday, 20th October 2004 @ 02:16:25 PM AEST
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| Wow, that's powerful stuff... finally, someone else that feels the same as me and knows what ordinary people have to go through. Keep writing, I love reading your poems! |
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Re: So Alone (Hopeless)
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Wednesday, 20th October 2004 @ 05:08:09 PM AEST
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Since you asked;
First off, you've contradicted yourself by saying you don't know what you're waiting for, but at the same time you're pleading for silence. You should really have said you're waiting for the screaming to stop, I think. Or something similar.
"Will the red to blacken"
A nice image of staring into dark eyelids.
Its all very sad and depressing up until the last stanza, where you mention hope. This also contravenes the idea of the first stanza. You should use an allegory or metaphor to show how invisible you believe the pain to be in this poem. I'm writing unaffected by these words because I've read hundreds of poems that contain similar sentiments.
I would rewrite that last stanza as something like;
"I sit here and hope
That dreams come true
Because even shattered dreams
Will then become visible"
I'm not attempting to belittle your turmoil, I hope I give you some insight here so that you can improve your expression and perhaps relieve some of this pain you experience.
Keep writing. |
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Re: So Alone (Hopeless)
(User Rating: 1 )
by Live2Die on
Wednesday, 30th March 2005 @ 12:42:41 AM AEST
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Woah. I really felt this. It's so deep, I'm hoping you don't feel this way. If you do, I'm always here to talk.
~ Marissa |
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Re: So Alone (Hopeless)
(User Rating: 1 )
by high_on_duct_tape on
Wednesday, 27th April 2005 @ 07:46:14 AM AEST
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| Great poem! Great great great! very deep, sad, and moving. I know exactly how you feel, but I could never word it so movingly... I disagree with neptunes_first about geting rid of the contradictions. I think the contradictions really add to the feeling of complete desperation and confusion. Hope your life gets better, and if you need someone to talk to, I'm always open |
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