|
Menu
|
|
|
Social
|
|
|
|
Beauty
Contributed by
marsh62287
on
Tuesday, 19th October 2004 @ 09:04:39 PM in AEST
Topic:
LovePoetry
|
Inconspicuous Intensity
Beyond you beauty
Of frequency
All words kept
Simultaneously inept
As no word to speak of this
With such beauty
Kept inside
This totem of time
And space
What an inconspicuous place
Where life is flipped
And you are seen
As if more suns than
Stars in the sky
Shined on you
With complete
Inconspicuous intensity
And there is nothing
Beyond your beauty
Copyright ©
marsh62287
... [
2004-10-19 21:04:39] (Date/Time posted on
site)
Advertisments:
|
|
|
|
|
Sorry, comments are no longer allowed for anonymous, please register for a free membership to access this feature and more
|
|
All comments are owned by the poster. Your Poetry
Dot Com is not responsible for the content of any
comment. That said, if you find an offensive comment, please
contact via the FeedBack Form with details, including poem title
etc.
|
|
|
Re: Beauty
(User Rating: 1 ) by Stoney1 on
Wednesday, 20th October 2004 @ 06:21:21 AM AEST (User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
I must have read this fifteen times trying to parse out what it is you're trying to say and I can't make head nor tail of it.
Now, I'm sure you'll get your share of people who will blow smoke up your butt and tell you how great it is and to keep writing. Discard the plaudits and take the advice to keep writing because it's only through practice that each of us can improve.
You might try just starting out with a simple statement, "I think she's beautiful." Then proceed to make your case.
Your attempt at metaphor needs work:
"And you are seen
As if more suns than
Stars in the sky
Shined on you
With complete
Inconspicuous intensity"
A metaphor has to be teased into existance, and you haven't teased this one enough.
I get a sense of what you're trying to convey, but the word choices seem poor. For example, "inconspicuous intensity" where you have one word which denotes more of a hidden quality, juxtapositioned with a word which suggests a focusing of attention. I get the feeling that it's intentional, but I'm wondering if the mixing of these two themes works.
This part I can't glean any meaning from.
"Beyond you beauty
Of frequency"
You've selected an abstract concept to write about; beauty.
Therefore, I suggest you try to convey how beauty has an effect on the beholder. How does it make the beholder feel?
This would be a good basis for a poem.
Regrds,
Stoney |
|
|
|