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Thoughts of a waking puppet
Contributed by
gt
on
Friday, 15th October 2004 @ 01:30:49 AM in AEST
Topic:
FriendshipPoetry
|
You pull the strings,
You mould the clay,
You rearrange us day by day.
Are they so blind?
Are you unseen?
Your secret's safe, from all but me.
We are but puppets
In your show -
You move us on towards your goal.
Slowly, surely,
You have your way,
They blindly follow all you say.
But I can see
All that you do
And I refuse to bow to you.
Is this the cause?
Can you not stand
A man who stands and will not crawl?
You may have pinned
Me to the floor,
But I walk freely out the door.
No place for me
(I see that now)
In this twisted mess we used to be
Copyright ©
gt
... [
2004-10-15 01:30:49]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Thoughts of a waking puppet
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Friday, 15th October 2004 @ 07:21:09 AM AEST
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a Message)
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Hmn. First off - don't tell everyone you think your poem sounds stupid and forced, just let them make up their own mind.
If i'd not read the category first, I'd assume this was political, but its friendship...
I like the ending. I see you being physically pinned to the floor by a foot, but having the recognition that this 'cool' bully can't control your free will.
The rhymes are a bit basic (me/be), and aren't in parts, assonantly/consonantly (crawl/cause) consistent with the rest of the piece, but the message makes up for it, as it is pleasantly obvious to me what you are attempting to portray, and helps in that I've been in a smilar position myself.
Keep writing. |
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Re: Thoughts of a waking puppet
(User Rating: 1 )
by gt on
Friday, 15th October 2004 @ 02:39:51 PM AEST
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the break in rhyme scheme with cause, crawl was intentional, to me it emphasised a change in the poems direction. Like the last 3 lines, where the rhyme is ABA rather than ABB.
Thanks for commenting.
(btw, the pinning 2 the floor was also metaphorical) |
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Re: Thoughts of a waking puppet
(User Rating: 1 )
by ladyfawn on
Saturday, 23rd October 2004 @ 05:41:03 PM AEST
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beautiful poem, great style and flow, hugs n' love nessa
@->>->:- |
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Re: Thoughts of a waking puppet
(User Rating: 1 )
by theMoth on
Tuesday, 2nd November 2004 @ 03:58:09 PM AEST
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a Message)
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I like the subject and
meaning of this poem.
Basic rhymes
are no injustice to a poem.
Some people get really
wordy and ridiculous.
It's just poetry.
And I like it.
--Mothy |
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Re: Thoughts of a waking puppet
(User Rating: 1 )
by cocacola1331 on
Friday, 12th November 2004 @ 09:30:08 AM AEST
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a Message)
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| I like the poem, I liked the type of symbolism that you etched in. I think it added a nice touch. The rhyming was nice, flowed smoothly... |
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