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Welcome !	Home · FAQ · Topics · Web Links · Your Account · Submit Poetry · Top 30 · OldSite Link	22-November 10:48:04 AEST

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untitled

Contributed by ryanjoesphliedtky on Thursday, 14th October 2004 @ 06:19:13 PM in AEST
Topic: LovePoetry

With a word describing a part
Of herself too secret to share
Tattooed upon her arm, her heart
Is golden, her face fair;

She walks into the room
And catches my eye;
Behold, out of the doom
Comes a girl beautiful and shy;

Too young to comprehend,
Too old not to understand;
A complex age on all ends,
A complex lover hand in hand;

I awake the next morn'
And see her sleeping next to me;
The sun reflecting from her; dawn
Upon her naked body!

Copyright © ryanjoesphliedtky ... [ 2004-10-14 18:19:13]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: untitled (User Rating: 1 )
by Stoney1 on Friday, 15th October 2004 @ 10:45:21 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

It's a good read. You might take another look at the punctuation:

Tattooed upon her arm, her heart
Is golden, her face fair

You might want to extend the pause a tad.

Is golden; her face, fair

Also in the 2nd verse 3rd line "doom".

Suggest, "gloom".

Stoney

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