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Ripples
Contributed by
Silent-No-More
on
Monday, 27th September 2004 @ 02:40:35 PM in AEST
Topic:
LovePoetry
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I am living in the ripples
Of the stone you cast
Stretched out from the center
Reaching for the shore
Moving
Over still waters
I am lost in the wake
Of what you let go
Expanded by each new circle
Drifting above the deep
Silent
Under a riotous sun
I am, for a moment, full
Of the tremors you spun
Rocked by your endless impact
Holding on to space
Lost
Beneath crystalline clouds
Because of you
************************
That stone, hon… Throw it again.
Copyright ©
Silent-No-More
... [
2004-09-27 14:40:35]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Ripples
(User Rating: 1 )
by Archie on
Monday, 27th September 2004 @ 02:44:40 PM AEST
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| Nice poem very discriptive. |
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Re: Ripples
(User Rating: 1 )
by Flipped_out on
Monday, 27th September 2004 @ 03:00:56 PM AEST
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Ohhh wow snm...I just LOVED this!!
Maybe it is just me but I found this also a bit sexy...like passionate
TY Kell x |
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Re: Ripples
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by Alovinmann on
Monday, 27th September 2004 @ 03:02:49 PM AEST
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| Really nice loved it |
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Re: Ripples
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by shelby on
Monday, 27th September 2004 @ 04:17:11 PM AEST
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very beautiful flowing and I agree a bit sensual mixed in with this also
Michelle |
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Re: Ripples
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by ShadowDaughter on
Monday, 27th September 2004 @ 04:35:40 PM AEST
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Ohhhhhhh . . . ohhhh, SNM . . . if I wasn't already a fan for life of your poetry, I would be now. This is so wonderful, so perfect. Those last four lines have me numb and awed. I can't describe how much this meant to read . . . what an amazing poet you are.
much love,
Nora |
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Re: Ripples
(User Rating: 1 )
by faith_my_eyes on
Monday, 27th September 2004 @ 05:29:29 PM AEST
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| enchanting |
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Re: Ripples
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Monday, 27th September 2004 @ 08:51:53 PM AEST
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This was amazing. Very beautiful and totally not what I thought it would be about.
"Lost
Beneath crystalline clouds" GREAT line.
~Breezy |
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Re: Ripples
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Tuesday, 28th September 2004 @ 03:45:36 AM AEST
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As usual, this is very good. However - I believe it could be better;
"Stretched out from the center, reaching for the shore"
- although this describes the motion well, it does not concisely elucidate what the center is. Is it a metaphor of the sea, or otherwise? I'm not sure if 'shore' works hard enough here. You could use;
"Inexorably concentric, searching for the calm"
Although 'shore' means 'dry land' or some other place of safety/refuge, logic would state that not all ripples would find the shore, were a stone cast into the sea. This would work were you describing a pond, but 'shore' isn't indicative of this either.
In lieu of my last suggestion, I'd also change the next lines to;
"Moving
Over deep waters"
I feel that in the next stanza, the flow of the whole piece is disrupted. I think the second and third verses could be effectively swapped around, and the next verse (the third) altered thus;
"I am, in an instant, imbued
with the pulsating rush;
wracked by that enduring impact
Clinging on to space "
I chose words which seemed to me to be more enunciative, although you may disagree, I'm sure. I also considered changing 'impact' with 'slap', to correlate with the very last line in the poem, which I'm sure would give another dimension. 'Slap' also connotes impact with water, in my view - but you may not want this theme of domestic violence entering into the piece. Anyway - onto the next line - which I would keep similar;
"Silent
Under a riotous(violent?) sun"
But i'm not sure how well 'clinging onto space' fits logically underneath the sunshine. Perhaps this can be changed to 'clinging onto motion', to accentuate the flowing, inexorable nature of ripples . . . i'm unsure. I like this part, however, because it personalises the piece more.
The line, "Of what you let go" doesn't really fit with the notion of a stone being 'cast'. It isn't as violent an act, and this line should probably be changed to account for this;
"Of what you discarded"
The next line is ambiguous and implies that you are as one with the water, instead of being within, or simply a part of it. This is slightly confusing, and I think this concept needs to be separated out. Here's the entire stanza as I'd rewrite it;
I am lost in the wake
of what you discarded,
diluted (diffused?) by your force
drifting through the blue
I'm unsure about which is the best out of those two. Perhaps you can find a better one. That last line works more for me, because it fits in repetition, and sets up a rhyme at the end.
"Lost
Beneath crystalline clouds"
Hmn. I've never seen a crystalline cloud before. What are they supposed to represent? Reflection of the sky/surface/one's dreams/hopes? I'd rather you continued to infuse the sensation of motion and action unto the end, like;
"Lost
Beneath rolling(rippling?) clouds"
Not perfect, but it keeps continuity better, in my opinion. Retain the last line (plus the footnote part), and you have a poem that I think is much better. Feel free to disagree with my suggestions, SNM - I'm hoping you found this comment worth reading.
With respect,
Keep writing.
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Re: Ripples
(User Rating: 1 )
by WinterFawn on
Tuesday, 28th September 2004 @ 09:24:08 AM AEST
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Wow! The impact of those ripples!
Your poetry is such a joy to read SNM. Very beautifully penned as I always find when I visit your page.*****
WinterFawn |
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Re: Ripples
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by Stitch on
Tuesday, 28th September 2004 @ 09:41:04 AM AEST
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Fantastic. So clear and beautiful in its song of emancipation. BRAVO!
Stitch |
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Re: Ripples
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Tuesday, 28th September 2004 @ 01:03:07 PM AEST
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I would have to disagree with neptunes impression of this poem. I think he sees it as more of a poem about loss or negativeism.
I see it diffrently
My impression is that this is a poem about someone making an impact on the writer in a positive way, a loving way. This is a write about feeling wonderfully lost and dreamy in the wake of someones actions. Like the expression " You rock my world"
SNM, very deep and wonderful. I see, as usual so much beneath the surface of your poems.
Great job! |
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Re: Ripples
(User Rating: 1 )
by ladyfawn on
Wednesday, 29th September 2004 @ 11:08:34 PM AEST
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this is so beautiful, full of love, great job:) hugs n' love nessa
@->>->:- |
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Re: Ripples
(User Rating: 1 )
by Silent-No-More on
Thursday, 30th September 2004 @ 12:58:26 AM AEST
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I'm somewhat undecided as to how to proceed here, so bear with me. I wanted to reply to Neptune's comment/suggestions. To be clear, I'm quite pleased by the fact that someone would so thoroughly consider one of my poems. I find the suggestions quite interesting and certainly worthy of review and consideration.
I'm... um... well... I guess I'll just say it - I'm disinclined to incorporate the suggestions. Generically speaking, I do not have a desire to be absolutely clear/concise, or even logical (to others), in my work. I'm often intentionally vague and I'm quite ok when/if the symbolism makes sense to only myself. This piece makes perfect sense to me... it is, I think, stated as I wished it to be. Each line was included for a reason, has personal meaning. That is not to say that I'm not open to suggestion... but... I suppose I'm rather stubborn and will not incorporate those changes if I feel they alter significantly the meaning (read that as 'my own intention and desire') of/for the piece.
I could explain, specifically and with great detail, each line. But... TRUST ME... that would require a very, very, very long post and I'm already going overboard. Instead - I'll tackle one suggestion and perhaps it will serve adequately as an illustrative example.
"Stretched out from the center, reaching for the shore"
Well... to begin with - I was thinking of a lake, though I don't know that it really matters. The "center" here is.... my... place/situation/nature/self - who/where I was before having been impacted by something/someone if you will, as opposed to a literal point in the water. "Reaching for the shore" is intended to convey... a desire for something... a reaching/moving toward some unexplained place/thing. I am not at all bothered by the fact that the ripples, technically, may or may not reach the shore. Frankly, the shore (a distant thing) isn't exactly clear to me nor do I know whether or not it's reachable entirely- but - the desire to move toward it is strong. The continuous movement/growth of the ripples/circles, brings me closer to the shore - as per the title, that is what is most important to me. (And that, dear friends, is the extent to which I'm comfortable explaining it).
Neptune, my friend - I do appreciate your comments... it's just... well, I'm a stubborn sort and (hope this doesn't sound awfu) I think "better" is subjective with regard to poetry. I think my inclinations/preferences/style/expectations are different than yours... I think that's ok, good even (wouldn't the we bore each other if we all wrote alike!). It is with great respect that I disagree with your suggestions. They are excellent suggestions... but... I guess, just not suited to my work/this piece. I do hope that makes sense.
*hugs*
SNM
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Re: Ripples
(User Rating: 1 )
by afraid_of_fear on
Thursday, 30th September 2004 @ 03:35:02 PM AEST
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This is incredible.. so very beautiful..
charlotte x_x_x |
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Re: Ripples
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by Former_Member on
Saturday, 2nd October 2004 @ 02:16:07 AM AEST
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I am living in the ripples
Of the stone you cast
Stretched out from the center
Reaching for the shore
i see this as the negative things
you do affect me i.e " i am living
in the ripples of the stone you cast"
and now i'm reaching out from within
to try and escape "reaching for the
shore" this is probably nothing like
what you were thinking when you
wrote this! but that shows the quality
of this poem. Its depth leaves it open
to interpetation.
wildejohnny. |
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Re: Ripples
(User Rating: 1 )
by Rakerman1999 on
Saturday, 2nd October 2004 @ 09:41:28 AM AEST
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I often have a phrase or an idea rolling in my mind for a while until it leads me to put it to paper so I understand what you mean. I felt a deep love in this. A picture of being almost physically moved by the feelings this person gives you. A great metaphor and I damn sure wish I had though of it first!! :o)
Very well done
Rose
Larry |
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Re: Ripples
(User Rating: 1 )
by lostinmyself on
Saturday, 2nd October 2004 @ 10:15:22 AM AEST
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This is stunning, Honey.
I also disagree with Neptune.
I love this as it is.
I think i know what it is about too, and i can understand how you want every line the way it is 'Personal'
Like I said before. Stunning.
Much love,
Phil xxx
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Re: Ripples
(User Rating: 1 )
by Scarlett on
Friday, 24th December 2004 @ 04:52:23 AM AEST
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beautiful, simple and so effective.
aboslutely loved it! x x |
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Re: Ripples
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Sunday, 28th May 2006 @ 08:01:03 PM AEST
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I tend to steer clear other's comments and just go with my own thoughts but then again, I can't help but notice them so being of a curious nature I sometimes read them. Even to the point of just saying, "yeah, what they said" feeling I can add nothing more.
So maybe I'll get in trouble for saying this but geeze, talk about over analyzing!! This is a beautiful love poem and nothing less. They are your thoughts and metaphorically beautiful.
You are very gifted and talented. Please, never change. Be "one with the water" if you choose to do so, for crying out loud.
"wouldn't the we bore each other if we all wrote alike!"
Yep, and we wouldn't have to read anyone else. Our differences are what make us unique and what a world if we were all generically the same.
Sure would make finding that "special person" that we write love poems about much easier now wouldn't it? Kinda like shopping at Wal*Mart, huh?
So, yeah, for the rest of this, maybe I should just say...."yeah, what they said", Nora, Phil, Phyllis, etc, except neptunes_first.
I mean come on, this isn't an encyclopedia site.
Your poem is beautiful, charming, and exquisite.
Timbo
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Re: Ripples
(User Rating: 1 )
by deadheadpoet on
Monday, 3rd July 2006 @ 04:47:48 PM AEST
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Found this wonderful piece and so very glad I did. Not only did the poem deeply move me, but your comments as well regarding your writing. I could not agree with you more Snem. You are a fabulous writer, my friend. Folks could learn a lot from you, sis. *winks*
Peace, love and hugs....a devoted fan. *smiles*
Laura |
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Re: Ripples
(User Rating: 1 )
by windowguy on
Monday, 18th May 2009 @ 01:18:02 PM AEST
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This is a powerful write.
Yes, the germ of an idea certainly bore fruit! |
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