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How Everything Can Change
Contributed by
torrez
on
Friday, 24th September 2004 @ 11:32:03 PM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
Dad,
The second time I moved to Cindy’s was my choice, I just happened to get in trouble that weekend I came down to get my stuff, so I don’t know what you were talking about when you told me that you already tried to have me live in Parker with you. I can get drugs here just as easy as in Phoenix and Parker but I’m not. I feel like I’m doing all of this for nothing because you’re not noticing that I’m not doing drugs when I could be. When you tell me that I’m not ready to live in Parker, for whatever reasons you might have, it makes me really mad because I know you’re just saying that because you’re not ready for me to come back. It makes me mad because I don’t know why you wouldn’t want me to come back if you say you miss me and because I think I’ve made it clear that drugs aren’t an issue anymore since I haven’t been using. I have enough mind control to not do drugs, especially now while I’m going to be on probation, whether you think I do or not. That’s why I haven’t done any drugs since I tested dirty August the 24th. Just incase you didn’t know my UA from September 8th was clean. I’m not a drug addict dad, I don’t let drugs control me, I don’t need them. I only did drugs because I liked the way they made me feel. I would never let myself think that I need a drug because I know that I don’t need drugs. As long as I’ve been doing drugs, which has been a while, I’ve realized that when people say they need drugs its because they have no mind control and they’re just saying that because they don’t feel good because they’re coming off of a high, so they think they need more but they don’t, they just want more. That's the difference between me and people that let drugs control them. When I stopped using drugs I was sick and didn’t feel good and I went threw withdraws but never once did I say that I needed to get high. I wanted to but I knew that I didn’t need to. I had enough mind control to not go and get high when I could have very easily. So I just needed to let you know that if you think you’re helping me and I’m going to look back on this and be thankful that I got sent to Tucson you’re very, very wrong because I’m going to know that I was strong and wasn’t doing drugs without the help of my parents because they weren’t there to be with me. You might think I’m wrong but I’m not lying when I say that I can do drugs anywhere you send me, drugs are everywhere I go, and a lot of people I meet, you would probably be surprised because I know you don’t think it’s as common as it really is. The people you least expect do drugs. So if you don’t want me to live with you that’s fine because I'm doing ok here on my own, but don’t ever think that the reason I stopped getting in trouble or stopped doing drugs was because you made such a good decision and sent me to Tucson. I could do just as good anywhere I go as I am now. And it doesn’t matter to me if you don’t think I can because I know I can. It just hurts a little because I know now that you don’t believe in me and I know now you don’t think as highly of me as I thought you did and all of your judgement is based on mistakes I’ve made. I thought you were the one that told me, “Everyone makes mistakes and I'm one of those guys.” Tucson has nothing to do with me doing better. I made myself do better. Tucson’s just made it a little more difficult for me because I don’t have anyone with me, I don’t even have my own privacy. But I’m dealing with it and the only thing it’s gonna do is make me stronger and prove to me that I don’t need anyone and I can’t depend on anyone. Thanx for that at least because before I always thought that I could depend on you and that you were always one of the only people that would always listen to me and understand or at least try to understand how I felt. But now you always have to “go” when I start talking. You don’t listen to me anymore. And I called you Friday night to tell you how much I missed you and that I was sorry for not talking to you for the past several weeks. I didn’t call you to tell you I wanted to go back to Parker, (even though I do) or so you could tell me that I couldn’t go back to Parker and I didn’t call you so you could tell me that I would mess up all over again if I went back to Parker, which was basically what you were saying by telling me I wasn’t ready to go back. I just wanted to tell you that I wanted to talk to you like we use to talk without fighting. But you had to “go” where ever you went so I didn’t get a chance to tell you that. I’ll always love you more and more dad, but I honestly don’t have as much feeling for you as I use to. And what I mean by that is that the things that you do that hurt my feelings don’t even phase me compared to the way they use to make me feel. It is my fault that you don’t trust me and that you don’t think I can accomplish things I set my mind to because of the mistakes I’ve made over and over but I never thought you’d stop being my dad. You’ll always be my dad but I mean you’re not my dad like you use to be. And I realize I haven’t been making good choices but I’d never stop being a good daughter to you. And maybe I have according to you but I’ve always listen to you and I’ve never told you that I didn’t want to talk to you when you had something you needed to tell me. I know I haven’t talked to you these past several weeks but I knew if I did you would be just like you were on Friday and I was already having a bad enough time as it was. I hope that you read all of this letter and I’m not telling you this stuff to make you feel bad but I’m telling you this stuff because I wanted to tell you how I feel and I hope you understand. But no matter what might ever happen I’ll always love you and you’ll always be my dad.
Copyright ©
torrez
... [
2004-09-24 23:32:03]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: How Everything Can Change
(User Rating: 1 )
by Solnubis on
Sunday, 26th September 2004 @ 01:58:22 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
Hello you can take this with a grain of salt, however I just wanted to express my feelings to you. Letting go of drugs is one of the hardest things you can do and if there is anything I have learned in a 12 step progaram like AA is that you can't do it alone. I was just going to suggest is there a Noarcotics Anonymous program where your from. It's a 12 step recovering group for people who are withdrawing from drugs or want to abstain from drugs.
I hear your hurt through your story and I
lost a brother to an overdose of herion, cocanine and beer and trust me I remember him saying I have everything under control see how I kicked the habit of not using drugs. He never went to a support group or anythng, he had done it cold turkey. But six years later he probably told himself one hit won't be to bad, I"m not addicted to it.However we will never know. He died in his wifes arms one evening from a drug overdose. Left behind 3 kids and a wife. So see we can have all the control we think we may have but with out help we are risking the chance of going back to the the drugs. And I really truly think that your father is just scared of losing you. No parent wants to die before their child. Please I hope you don't take this as a critizism. It's just that I have lived on both sides of the fence. And they are both very scary to deal with. You say your not addicted to druges that you can quite anytime. Read your story again, carefully and you will see that you had tried several times to quit before now. Just an observation. Take care
PS, your dad may not be close by but at least his still in this world. mines is long gone. And I miss him very much. |
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