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gone
Contributed by
luinil
on
Monday, 20th September 2004 @ 04:02:38 PM in AEST
Topic:
DarkPoetry
|
You were the rock that held my blade,
The sword that pierced my throat
Cut out my tongue for your debt to be paid
And carved the epitaph you wrote
Though I fought and bled you would never allow
Freedom from chains you locked on
You’ve plenty of night to miss me now
For I’ve already come and gone.
Copyright ©
luinil
... [
2004-09-20 16:02:38]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: gone
(User Rating: 1 )
by brew on
Monday, 20th September 2004 @ 04:05:10 PM AEST
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| Very deep emotions.........Saddness as well. |
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Re: gone
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Monday, 20th September 2004 @ 05:00:58 PM AEST
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Since you asked, I'll agree with your assertion about its length and add that I think your metaphor is mixed, and floats from its meaning too much.
You've got the subject being a rock, then being a sword, which is confusing and contradictory - I'd rather you had kept the arthurian metaphor going there, but that's an aside. You end the first stanza by having the subject (sword) carving your epitaph, which it has somehow written - has it suddenly turned into a pen, here? Again, its stunted and incoherent.
I would have wrote something like;
"You were the rock that held my blade,
Like choking hands around my throat
But now i'm free, i'm not afraid
To swing this sword - and pen this note"
Its not exactly perfect, but I think it holds the meaning together a bit better. Now, onto the next stanza;
The first line is okay, but the second is ambiguous enough for me to point out that i'm not sure what exactly the subject is in this line. Do you mean to say the subject physically/metaphorically 'locked you up in chains'? Or do you mean to say that the subject is some kind of padlock around which secures your bindings? It sounds forced.
The third line is probably the best, next to the first of the first stanza, in notability, but it has the concept jump rather sharply into the conclusion. I'd have wrote it like this;
"Though we fought and bled, you'd never give me
Freedom from that rock upon
Which you now sit, and miss me nightly,
For I am dead.
Dead and gone."
Again, I couldn't really do much with this one, except try tighten the meaning up a little. This is down to the fact that its far too short, I think, for the depth and complexity of the metaphors you're attempting to describe.
Anyway, thanks for sharing this opportunity to comment.
Keep writing. |
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Re: gone
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Monday, 20th September 2004 @ 05:35:20 PM AEST
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| not bad, a bit too short though in my oppion. If it was a bit longer I think it couldexpress itself more. |
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Re: gone
(User Rating: 1 )
by Pyrofungus on
Monday, 20th September 2004 @ 06:55:11 PM AEST
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expresses what many people out there feel...all for different reasons...but then some the same...great job bro
please comment on my work too
summer |
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