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Vanishing into the World
Contributed by
TheSpiritx
on
Sunday, 19th September 2004 @ 08:58:51 PM in AEST
Topic:
goodbyepoetry
|
I'm in the process, involuntary as it is, to separate myself from my life here as much as possible.
Not many people can truly understand what it is like to face what it is I've got coming up, and, only in answering the questions of others does it become a grave reality to me, which is why I sincerely dread the awkward moment in which such a topic becomes the point of conversation. Yes, I know that some people grew up as children of military parents or had families that moved around a lot, but that, I'm afraid, can't compare to the feelings of loss, frustration and dread I am and will be subjected to. They say that it is best to allow these feelings to surface and to pay them their respects in a temporal barter, but I am not a man for emotions. Not on the outside.
A man recently said, "You can trick everyone around you for as long as you want, but you can't trick yourself." Similarly, a song by the name of Everybody's Fool toys with this notion. I've always been best spoken in text - hence my choice to be an english major and not a speech/comm major. I adore the spectacularly broad range of vocabulary that one can utilize and the flair which can only be seen when grammar and words dance such a intricate step that the beauty of a rose can be seen through its description and the chill of a winter's night outside the cabin of two lovers can be conquered by expressing the warmth of the love shared by those within. As such, I find that, contrary to my stance on the display of emotions, I can so easily do so in this medium. The anonymity of it all, in that I am not face-to-face, but, instead, face-to-empty-space, allows for me to go into the inner depths of my mind without worry of the strangeness of the situation at hand. Having said as much, I shouldn't drop such a facade down to the depths to be forgotten quite so easily, so I feel as though I must follow through.
I'm sad, not superficially, but deep inside. Many of my life-long desires, I have realized through my 21 years, shall never see the light of day during the dawn of my success, nor at any other time, save for the dim reflections of said light upon the shores of failure or lost opportunity. I once had dreams of grandeur, as did most, but have since forgone them in becoming aware not of what is ideal, but, instead, what is the truth. I've grown up. In one sense, growing up is inevitable. In another, it is an exciting experience. In yet another, growing up is the embodiment of loss - a loss of dreams and aspirations - things that are the very essence of man. It's a distressing, disheartening truth, and it brings tears to my eyes. In losing hope, I've lost my way in life. Choices made on a whim, whether to satisfy an immediate craving or not, have driven me to where I am now, and I am yet Fortune's slave. Where most kids would say that they had dreams about being astronauts or the president of the USA, I only dreamed about making a difference in life. It was my realization that the phrase "There is nothing new under the sun" not only holds weight, but is the only thing with any weight at all. I've learned that, when people grow up, they come to understand that they are to only look out for themselves in life. With this revelation piggybacked another that showed to me the nature of humans - self-satisfaction. I've learned that equality is an ultimately unachievable goal on account of greed - yet another human trait. All of the great, wonderful things that humans aim for and live their entire lives trying to accomplish are destroyed not by external forces, but by the workings of humans themselves. A vast reformation is due, or perhaps even late in its coming, but ignorance of its necessity prevents its advance; perhaps permanently. Such things are only a fraction of the world I have come to know, and it does look bleak. The one thing that has pulled me through it all is the purity of humanity's better half - love, unselfish and honest, honesty itself, and happiness. Most of all: hope. I can't express all of my discoveries in words, even though I would prance about, flashing my skills in english akin to that of a literary peacock. I could only hope, which is, in the end of all things, all that man has, that even the basic concept of my understandings can be properly conveyed, but, I think that is for another time.
Additionally, I'm not only sad, but scared. I'm frightened. I feel fear throughout my soul. I've often thought about my own death, much as a kid would think about his toy figurine coming to life - fantastic in nature, and based solely in the surreal. Each of us sees life through a lens. This lens that I have that provides me with a detached, disconnected point of view, has been with me for the majority of my life, shaped by my experiences, actions and thoughts. The things that are real to me are only half so, and the people that have been my friends in the past, all seemed transparent and, even more so, transient. I understand that there is an end to all things, so I accept it. One thing I accepted, long ago, was my own death, and, as such, I don't fear it, nor the effects it will have on the posthumous world. It is said that some people never accept theirs, even to the end, while others seem to accept it from birth. We're all fated to the same, and it is as unavoidable as losing your baby teeth. I don't write now to dry the wells of hope in each of you, but, instead, to add to them by pouring my hope into each of your fountains. Please, hope for me, as my own hope doesn't lie with myself, but with all of you.
I've undergone a transformation I'd never have deemed possible 2 years ago. I have come to understand, myself, what it means to care about others. I had ceased doing so at one point by choice, and neglected others in that way for too long a time. I can honestly say that there are people here that I care about so deeply that I can't even fathom the extent of it, nor, I think, I ever will.
I am truly a difficult person to understand, and I have heard as much throughout my life. I've always done well in hiding who I am, as defined by what I am, or, moreover, what I feel. As previously stated, I am not a man for emotions. Not on the outside. To live in moderation is to achieve a true balance, but I find myself, now, in a world that leaves no room for such a safety net as moderation. There is only chaos here, and it is an order to that chaos that I must strive to achieve over the next few years.
I want certain things from you all, and from each of you alone. I want you to be thankful for each day you have. I want you to love and cherish and adore. I want you to wake up and walk outside for a moment before donning the arbitrary frustrations of an equally arbitrary world and stop to appreciate your most favorite thing. I want you to smell the flowers. I want you to see the sunrise. I want you to bask in the daylight on the beach or the river or in your back yard. I want you to enjoy the nip of the cold in winter. I want you to learn and to never stop learning. I want you to find the one thing you long for... the one thing that would make you happy in this world and to not stop until you have it. I want you to be happy. I want you to live, and, most of all, I want you to understand what it means to understand.
I don't intend to check anything else on LJ/YPDC until the time I return from Iraq, save for replies/comments. I know I've joked both about not being able to die and also about dying. The time for jokes are over. They died along with my desire to discuss it all. This post serves to be an end-all about the topic, and a method of closure for the relationships I've developed. It is painful to do this, but it is something that must be done. I know that some of you will be there for me by email while I am gone. I will rely on you and thrive on your messages to maintain what is left of the person you've all come to know. In the next few weeks, I'll be tying up any loose ends that I have left and cleaning up any unfinished business before I go. Know that I care about you all and that I will miss you.
Copyright ©
TheSpiritx
... [
2004-09-19 20:58:51]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Vanishing into the World
(User Rating: 1 )
by Essentially9 on
Sunday, 19th September 2004 @ 09:14:20 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| well ill spare the poetic form critique of this only to say all paths taken lead to one end no matter which ones you take. fare well on your paths. =] |
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Re: Vanishing into the World
(User Rating: 1 )
by ShadowDaughter on
Sunday, 19th September 2004 @ 10:18:19 PM AEST
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I am so sorry . . . this letter struck a chord in me nothing else ever has and I'm without words.
For the record . . . I don't pray. Ever. And I just did, for you. What's more, I think I'll be continuing to do so, every night, until you return (you will). I hope you don't mind; I know some might.
Your username's familiar, I've seen you around YPDC before, but I've never talked to you or commented on your poetry or anything before, I don't think. It seems such a shame, now . . . just from this letter, I regret not having the chance to know you. I hope with all my heart that you'll come back, healthy and safe and not just in body . . . I hope you heal . . . I hope someday I have the chance to get to know you.
I don't know how long you're going to be in Iraq. When you come back, though --and you will, you WILL-- please PM me? Just to say so. I know it might sound odd, a complete stranger wanting this, but please . . . thank you.
hope, love, and sunlight,
Nora |
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Re: Vanishing into the World
(User Rating: 1 )
by Jenni_K on
Sunday, 19th September 2004 @ 10:24:48 PM AEST
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I wish you the best of everything, SpiritX..
Missed your work...
Jenni |
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Re: Vanishing into the World
(User Rating: 1 )
by Silent-No-More on
Saturday, 15th January 2005 @ 02:56:31 PM AEST
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I have not been to your page before - to the best of my knowledge. But today... I found you, found this... and found myself utterly moved by it.
I cannot begin to put into words what I thought as I read this... a fact which frustrates me to no end, as I too love words... communication... and fully appreciate how powerful and wonderful it can be. This is nothing short of a glorious example of exactly that --- your words are so incredibly touching and so extremely real (and in a world where real is often muttled by the confusion of day to day life - the honesty and reality of this has an effect that I could not begin to describe).
I wish you the very, very best... now and always. By now, you are in a place that I couldn't possibly imagine and with every bit of strength I have - I hope that by now you've come to feel that it is tolerable... that you can/will somehow get through it (whole... in both body and mind) and that you have begun to look past it into your tomorrow.
I do not know you, but I wish like crazy that I could move the hands of time forward for you - so that you could find yourself home, in peace, with the time and desire to again set words to the page. I have read nothing else on your page (but oh! I will!) but I know without a doubt that inside you beats the heart of a poet. Please take care of yourself, caring most particularly for the part of yourself that you've shown here, and know that your words have been appreciated. Please let us know when you return and please don't let this mad, mad world change you. I know nothing of you except what I've read here - but I know enough because of your words to say that you are amazing.
Thank you for an extraordinary experience. This will stay with me for a long while and you will remain on my mind. Take Care and - very, very seriously - I wish you well.
With sincerity and appreciation,
SNM |
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