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I Drown
Contributed by
Elayner27
on
Friday, 17th September 2004 @ 05:23:10 PM in AEST
Topic:
DarkPoetry
|
A rising tide deeper and deeper
Rising to my knees and my neck
Over my head I can not swim
I stand I float I sink I drown
Last I saw wasn't your face I'm alone
Las I saw was the dard blue I lived in
This beautiful transparent dark blue
It was all around me Trying to breath
I wanted to stay there forever
But death took me along with the current
I flowed it seemed forever waiting
I washed on a new shore a new life
Another I can mess up others in
Another I can fail and fail agian in
Another I'll drown in because I do
I am the one I am the only
To be happy say away to be safe
Copyright ©
Elayner27
... [
2004-09-17 17:23:10]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: I Drown
(User Rating: 1 )
by emospaztic on
Friday, 17th September 2004 @ 05:30:41 PM AEST
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While this is a cliched topic, you managed to write it well, so try to change the title. Otherwise, great job!
-emo. |
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Re: I Drown
(User Rating: 1 )
by MomentInTime on
Friday, 17th September 2004 @ 07:22:14 PM AEST
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This one doesn't flow as well as did your other two. This I say whilst realizing that you may have planned it this way :o)
My style is to leave metaphors (or cliches) well alone as much as possible, then again, I am no "poetry expert", so each to their own.
Jordan oxo
PS.. check out some of my writings to see what I mean, and btw, this is not self-promotion :o)) |
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