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Wings of Love
Contributed by
Yumi_san
on
Saturday, 28th August 2004 @ 08:31:16 PM in AEST
Topic:
LoveRemembered
|
On my wings of love
I take you away
To a heaven beyond
and above for you to stay.
When all was lost and all gone bad
you look down apon to help me,the sad.
On your wings of love
you turn to me with a sign..
A sign to shout higher than above,
That you love me more than all,
all to much to leave my side.
When the sun is set,
you find there is more to love
you can not see.
On our wings of love
beyond the Heavens we go..
to fly together above....
Copyright ©
Yumi_san
... [
2004-08-28 20:31:16]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Wings of Love
(User Rating: 1 )
by ladyfawn on
Saturday, 28th August 2004 @ 10:21:35 PM AEST
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heartfelt; very pretty, warm welcome to ypdc:) hugs n' love nessa
@->>->:- |
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Re: Wings of Love
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Wednesday, 1st September 2004 @ 08:20:31 AM AEST
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Welcome.
I'd like to offer some constructive criticism, if I may.
Generally, a 'tepid' or 'tired' poem will rhyme 'love' with 'above', or some other such word, like 'glove' or 'shove' or 'dove'. My advice is not to rhyme 'love' with anything whatsoever. Thus, you wrote;
"On your wings of love
you turn to me with a sign..
A sign to shout higher than above,
That you love me more than all,
all to much to leave my side. "
Which I would write as;
"... This sign from you, it tells me,
That you love me most of all
All to much to leave eventually. "
This probably doesn't sound good enough to you, but here's another example
"On our wings of love
beyond the Heavens we go..
to fly together above.... "
I'd write;
"Upon our loving wings
We fly beyond the heavens..
Past where every angel sings... "
Using the concept, but using different words, I can insert additional concepts into the same amount of lines. This ensures that I don't repeat words in a poem, and run out of ideas to fully express the emotion behind the concept expressed.
I take it by your name that you may not be a natural english speaker, and if you are, then I commend you for your submission - I know I can't write or speak a foreign language to the degree to which this may be evoked, and i hope that this site encourages its development.
If you are a natural english speaker, I hope my commentary provides some insight into what people would consider worthwhile reading.
Keep writing, and welcome to YPDC. |
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Re: Wings of Love
(User Rating: 1 )
by Yumi_san on
Wednesday, 1st September 2004 @ 04:51:45 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| ...wow....lol!all i can say right now is...thanks!i needed that!lol all people are doing is telling me-oh good job or....your a good writer!or something like that...no suggestions though...thanks ill keep everything you said in mind!yay! |
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