|
 Menu
|
|
|
|
|
Social
|
|
|
|
|
Hardly Noticed
Contributed by
Hakiokusaken
on
Friday, 13th August 2004 @ 04:47:57 AM in AEST
Topic:
Suicide
|
Embraced by the freezing cold
as chilling words sting me
in a dark room, all alone
locked inside without a key
Like a cloud in the darkness of night
no one looks up to see
in this dark room I start to like
where everyone left me
They put me here in pure ignorence
not knowing what I'd do
they made me question my existence
this I know is true
The open world I dismissed
but this room's silence does me well
then in this room I start to notice
that this silence, is HELL
Why did I let myself go
attention is all I wanted
how was I supposed to know
that where I am this cannot be granted.
Copyright ©
Hakiokusaken
... [
2004-08-13 04:47:57]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
Advertisments:
|
|
|
|
|
|
Sorry, comments are no longer allowed for anonymous, please register for a free membership to access this feature and more
|
|
All comments are owned by the poster. Your Poetry
Dot Com is not responsible for the content of any
comment.
That said, if you find an offensive comment, please
contact via the FeedBack Form with details, including poem title
etc.
|
|
|
Re: Hardly Noticed
(User Rating: 1 )
by lovespoetic0518 on
Friday, 13th August 2004 @ 09:30:47 AM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
excellent poem. Isn't it wierd how some of our best writes just comes out of nowhere? Love this write. Take care
Kimberly |
|
|
Re: Hardly Noticed
(User Rating: 1 )
by Stoney1 on
Friday, 13th August 2004 @ 01:16:31 PM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
Well, you're all over the place here, I've noted the beats to each line.
You'll note that it reads a tad awkwardly when the beat is all over the
place like this.
Try to settle on a specific number of beats. If it's not possible for the
whole poem, settle on each verse.
Embraced by the freezing cold 6
as chilling words sting me 6
in a dark room, all alone 7
locked inside without a key 7
Like a cloud in the darkness of night 9
no one looks up to see 6
in this dark room I start to like 7
where everyone left me 6
They put me here in pure ignorence 9
not knowing what I'd do 6
they made me question my existence 9
this I know is true 5
The open world, I dismissed 8
but this room's silence does me well 8
then in this room I start to notice 9
that this silence, is HELL 6
attention is all I wanted 8
how was I supposed to know 7
that where I am this cannot be granted 10
*******************
Embraced by the freezing cold 6
as chilling words sting me 6
in a dark room, {-all} alone 6
{-locked} inside without a key 6
Like a cloud in {-the} dark{-ness} of night 7
no one {+to} look{-s} {+out for me}{-up to see} 7
in this dark room I start to like 7
where everyone {+has} left me 7
They put me here in {-pure} ignorence 8
{+No one knowing just what I'd do} 8
{+Shall I} {-they made me} question my existence 8
{+Else, how may we discern the truth?} 8
The open world I dismissed 8
but this room's silence {-does} {+suits} me well 8
then in this room I {-start} to notice 8
that this silence, {+to me} is HELL 8
attention is all I {+sought {-wanted) 7
how was I supposed to know 7
that {+here} {-where I am} this can{+'t} {-not} be granted 7
*******************
edit marks removed:
Embraced by the freezing cold 6
as chilling words sting me 6
in a dark room, alone 6
inside without a key 6
Like a cloud in dark of night 7
no one to look out for me 7
in this dark room I start to like 7
where everyone has left me 7
They put me here in ignorence 8
No one knowing just what I'd do 8
Shall I question my existence 8
Else, how may we discern what's true? 8
The open world I dismissed 8
but this room's silence suits me well 8
Yet, in this room where I exist 8
This silence, to me is HELL 7
Lack of attention , I lamented 9
But then, how was I supposed to know 9
That in this place, this can't be granted 9
Because there's no room for me to grow 9 |
|
|
Re: Hardly Noticed
(User Rating: 1 )
by corrupted_minds on
Tuesday, 17th August 2004 @ 06:09:07 AM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
|
This is a awesome write.
corrupted_minds |
|
|
|
· 
Poetry
Community
Members
Areas
Reference
Search
Top
Others
